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DISCLAIMER: This fan fic uses characters from X:WP and H:TLJ, which
are, of course, the sole property of MCA Universal and Renaissance Pictures.
But the story, such as it is, is all mine.
This does contain roundabout spoilers for "Fins,
Femmes, and Gems" and "The Quill is Mightier..." and, in fact,
might be considered a sequel to those episodes of X:WP.
Oh, and it's rated the same as the television show: PG14 for
suggestive language and adult situations.
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Aphrodite was bored.
As most folks know, this is usually not a good thing. She was also a bit angry
that, despite all of her attempts to enhance her own reputation and increase
the number of her worshipers, Xena was still the number one babe with the
rubes. Xena! A leather-clad, sword-swinging, chakram-hurling warrior bimbo over
her, the Goddess of Love. It was too
much for Aphrodite's ego to take.
And, she knew it was
mostly due to that annoying blonde brat who traveled with her. But she had
tried to get at Xena through the Bard before, and that plan had disastrously
backfired. This time, she decided, she would go after the Bard herself, albeit
in a roundabout fashion, reasoning that once Gabrielle was no longer writing
about the exploits of the warrior bimbo, Xena's reputation would die and her
own would increase.
Hey, no one ever
accused Aphrodite of being the shiniest apple in the barrel.
*****
Xena and Gabrielle
were stopped for the night in the forest outside of Pherae, after having
defeated a warlord who had attacked the village, not realizing that the Warrior
Princess was in the area. Their bedrolls were spread beside the fire and they
lay next to each other, looking up at the stars, quietly talking.
Neither was aware
that the Goddess of Love was sitting on a nearby log, listening to their every
word.
"Do you ever
wonder what your life would have been like if Cortese had never attacked your
village?" Gabrielle asked.
"I've seen what
the world would be like without my having experienced that pain, Gabrielle,
and, believe me, it wasn't worth it," Xena assured her companion.
"I don't mean if
you and your brother hadn't fought him, resulting in Lyceus' death, but if he'd
never attacked at all," the Bard clarified. "If you'd never had to
make the choice between your village and your soul."
"No, I've never
thought about that," Xena replied. "Something else would have come
along and turned me into the Destroyer of Nations, though. It's in my
blood."
"That's silly,
Xena. You're no more predisposed to violence than I am to storytelling. We're
both just products of our environments and those things which influenced us
when we were growing up," Gabrielle stated.
"You think so,
huh?" Xena raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"I do. Look at
Joxer, for example," the Bard continued. "He comes from a long line
of fierce warlords, yet, he can't even hold his own in a battle with me!"
"You do have a
point," Xena conceded. "But even though Joxer might not have the
skills of a warrior, he does have the heart of one."
"Where? In a box
he carries around with him?" laughed the blonde.
Aphrodite smiled and
snapped her fingers in front of Gabrielle's nose. "Sometimes I'm just too
good for words," the Goddess grinned, flashing out of existence in a burst
of colored flowers.
"I think you're
underestimating him, he's been a good friend," Xena chided, nevertheless
chuckling at the last comment.
"You're right,
Xena. In fact, I just realized something," Gabrielle said, sitting up
suddenly.
"Oh? What's
that?" the former warlord inquired.
"I'm in love
with him!" she exclaimed.
"You're
WHAT??!!" Xena cried, sitting up and looking the Bard in the eyes.
"I'm in love
with him," she repeated, rising and beginning to roll up her bedroll.
"In fact, I have to go to him, this very minute, or I'll simply
burst!"
"Gabrielle, this
is crazy! This is Joxer. You can't
be in love with him. He's...he's Joxer!" she exclaimed, trying to prevent
the determined Bard from packing her things.
"You were
defending him a minute ago," Gabrielle pointed out.
"As a friend,
not as a...lover," Xena said, making a face like she'd just bit into a
particularly sour lemon. "Anyway, you don't even know where he is."
"I'll find him.
Love will guide me," Gabrielle said dramatically, looking to the stars as
the wind blew gently through her hair and the sliver of moonlight reflected
beautifully in her eyes.
"Love..."
Xena said softly, her own eyes getting that dangerous look in them. "Of
course!" She looked around, scanning the area for some sign of divine
presence. "Okay, Aphrodite, or Cupid, or whichever one of you is behind
this, the joke's over. Now, put Gabrielle back to normal or things are gonna
get ugly."
Gabrielle paused and
looked around. "This isn't some kind of spell, Xena. I've just come to my
senses is all," she said, slinging her pack over her shoulder.
"Goodbye, Xena."
"You're not
going anywhere, Gabrielle," Xena said, stepping in front of her. "Not
in your condition. Wait until morning and then we'll go to Aphrodite's temple
and make her remove whatever curse she's placed on you."
"There is no
curse, Xena. Now, stand aside and let me go," Gabrielle said, taking a
step forward.
Xena didn't budge.
"I can't do that, Gabrielle. Now, lay back down and get some sleep and
we'll sort this mess out in the morning," she said, reaching out to take
the pack from her.
"There is no
mess!" the Bard shot back, slapping the hand away, her green eyes lit with
determination. "I'm not your property, or your responsibility, Xena. So,
get out of my way, or I'll just have to go through you."
Xena would have
laughed were it not for that fire in her friend's eyes, a fire she was all too
familiar with. "I can't, Gabrielle. You're not yourself. And, I'm sorry
about this, too," she said, lashing out with her right fist.
But Gabrielle had
been expecting that, and, with a desperation fueled by the Goddess of Love's
spell and a cunning born of her years traveling with the ex-warlord, she ducked
the punch and rammed her staff into Xena's gut. Hard. "Don't make me hurt
you, Xena," she warned, twirling the staff and assuming a defensive stance.
The Warrior Princess
was more stunned than hurt, but she also knew there were only two options: 1)
Let Gabrielle go, or 2) Fight and beat her. There would be no more discussion,
that was plain from the hard glint in her beloved Bard's eyes.
Cursing Aphrodite,
Xena likewise assumed a defensive position and the two friends circled each
other warily.
Gabrielle feinted to
Xena's head and then swung instead at the Warrior Princess' legs, but Xena
easily jumped up and over the staff. With any other opponent, she would have
followed with a kick to the head, but since it was Gabrielle, she just danced
back out of reach of the next move: A thrust up that was intended to catch her
below the chin.
"You can't beat
me, Gabrielle," Xena said, shaking her head.
"And you won't
hurt me. So, I guess we're at an impasse," Gabrielle shrugged. She
suddenly threw her staff at Xena's legs and then ran off in the opposite
direction as the former warlord dodged the sneaky attack.
By the time Xena
looked up, Gabrielle had vanished into the night.
*****
When the sun rose the
next morning, Xena was still trying to locate her deranged friend, but
Gabrielle had managed to elude her. She suspected by sticking to the streambed
that they'd camped near. But even with that knowledge, she had been unable to
locate her trail in the dark. And, even though the sun was up, she wasn't
having any better luck.
Then, she heard
something that chilled her bones to the marrow:
Joxer the Mighty
Roams through the countryside.
He never needs a place to hide.
With Gabby as his sidekick,
Fighting with her little stick,
Righting wrongs and singing songs,
Being mighty all day long,
He's Joxer,
He's Joxer the Mighty!
Oh
He's Joxer the Mighty,
He's really tidy,
Everybody likes him
'Cause he has a funny grin,
Joxer, he's Joxer the Mighty!
"Oh, no,"
she groaned. But she was thankful for the fact that she hadn't heard
Gabrielle's voice accompanying him, and realized that his singing would draw
her out. She raced through the trees for the road, but stopped dead in her
tracks when she cleared the forest.
Gabrielle had
obviously just joined him and she was hanging all over him like vines on a
wall. Joxer, for his part, looked confused but happy.
"Step away from
him, Gabrielle," Xena said evenly.
"Hi, Xena,"
Joxer said brightly.
"Hello, Joxer.
Gabrielle is under some sort of spell, she thinks she's in love with you. Just
leave her to me and I'll sort this whole business out," Xena said
smoothly, edging closer to the pair. "Come on, Gabrielle."
"There's nothing
to sort out, Xena," the Bard corrected, planting a big wet one on Joxer's
cheek. "My man and I are together and we're going to stay together. Right,
Joxer?"
"Well, I don't
know, Gabby. If Xena's right, maybe you-" he began.
"Xena's just
jealous! This feels so right, so perfect, it must be real!" the blonde
exclaimed. "Don't you feel the same way about me?"
"Um, sure, I
guess. But if it's a spell-" he stammered.
"It's not a
spell, Joxer! It's just me realizing what a wonderful, caring, decent man you
are and acting on that long overdue insight," she said, gazing into his
puppy dog eyes. "Don't you believe me?"
"Of course I
believe you, Gabrielle. It's just that I need to be sure. It has to be real or
it doesn't mean anything, you know?" he said shyly.
"How can I prove
my love for you is real?" the Bard asked. "Write you poems? Sing you
songs? What can I do?"
Joxer looked
helplessly towards Xena. "Come to Aphrodite's temple with me...us,"
she corrected when Gabrielle fiercely grabbed Joxer's arm, "and let's find
out the truth."
"The truth,
Xena, is that I love Joxer. And, we can go to as many temples as you like, but
nothing is going to change that fact," she stated, turning Joxer's head
and giving him a long deep kiss.
Joxer was too surprised
to resist at first, but then didn't even try. When they finally broke apart,
his eyes had a sort of glazed look to them, like he'd just been hit over the
head with something very heavy.
"Nothing,"
Gabrielle reiterated, licking her lips.
Xena's face turned a
bit green and she violently shook her head. "Fine. Just do me a favor and
hold off on the kissing until after we've talked to Aphrodite. Okay?" she
asked, stalking off down the road. "Ick."
As the pair followed
Xena, Argo trotted out of the woods and fell in step behind the Warrior
Princess.
*****
Aphrodite danced
around her temple happily, secure in the knowledge that soon Xena's popularity
would be a distant memory, especially since she'd "coaxed" that
bumbling fool into journeying to the same area as Xena and her annoying,
prolific friend. If everything went according to plan, the only person
Gabrielle would be glorifying in her stupid scrolls would be her "true
love," Joxer.
Then, Xena and the
duo in question suddenly burst into the temple, and, the Goddess noted with
satisfaction, she'd never seen the warrior bimbo looking so angry. She giggled
and waited to see what Xena was up to.
"All right,
Aphrodite, I know what you did, and now I want you to undo it," Xena
called out. "Or I'm going to tear this temple down with my bare hands. And
then all of your other temples. Until not a single one remains. No more
worshipers. No more offerings. No more anything. Do you hear me?"
"Chill out,
warrior babe," she sighed, flashing into existence. "You really have
to learn to control that temper of yours."
"And you need to
learn to mind your own business," Xena replied, standing nose to nose with
the Goddess.
"Back off,
girlfriend!" Aphrodite said, flicking Xena across the room. "Don't
get in my personal space."
"I meant what I
said about your temples. Now change her back," Xena growled, climbing to
her feet.
"You got the
hots for her yourself or something?" Aphrodite asked.
"We're not
talking about me. We're talking about Gabrielle," Xena hissed, although
some of her flushed appearance might have been due to embarrassment, rather
than anger. "Remove whatever you did to her."
"No can
do," shrugged the Goddess. "This is one of those no deposit, no
return kind of deals. Get used to it, sweets."
"There must be
some way to break the spell!" Xena snarled. "Every curse is able to
be broken somehow."
"Oh, sure,
there's a way, but I don't think you'll like it any better than the
curse," Aphrodite giggled. "If the disease doesn't kill you, the cure
will, babe."
"You can't
mean..." Xena whispered, her face losing all its color.
"You got it,
leather mama. The only way to break this spell is for blondie and her man to do
the horizontal waltz," the Goddess crowed.
"There must be
another way," Xena said softly, sinking to her knees. She sat in silence
for a few minutes, mumbling quietly to herself. Then, she looked up at
Aphrodite with a ferocious gleam in her crystal blue eyes. "There must.
Gabrielle and I will visit every priest and priestess of every God and Goddess.
We'll travel to every country on this planet. We'll search every library. Read
every scroll ever written on curses and spells. We'll consult every oracle.
Visit every seer. Talk to every mystic. Journey to every..." She suddenly
stopped and looked around the temple. "Gabrielle? Joxer?"
No answer. But,
listening closely, she could barely make out the sounds of heavy breathing
coming from one of the temple's anterooms.
"Gabrielle!
Joxer!" she cried, rushing over and throwing open the curtain.
"NOOOO!!!!!!"
The Bard and the
would-be warrior were lying on a bed of pillows, naked and covered with sweat.
Gabrielle had a very satisfied look on her face and Joxer looked uncommonly
pleased with himself.
Suddenly, Gabrielle
shook her head and then looked around her in confusion. Realizing they were
naked, she quickly grabbed some pillows and covered herself, and Joxer, as best
she could. "Did we...?" she asked.
"We sure
did," Joxer grinned.
"I think I'm
gonna be sick," Xena gagged.
"You know, that
wasn't bad," Gabrielle said thoughtfully. "In fact, you were gentle
and extremely attentive to my needs, Joxer. Thank you."
Xena made noises like
she was being strangled while Aphrodite pumped a fist in the air and grinned.
"YES!" she exclaimed, flashing out of existence.
"It was the only
way, Xena. You heard Aphrodite," Joxer said. "Gabby dragged me in
here as soon as we got here and I was doing my best to keep her off me, but
then I heard what Aphrodite said and I knew what I had to do. So I did."
"You sure
did," smiled Gabrielle, adding a playful growl. "Wanna do it
again?"
"I thought the
spell would be broken once you made love to him?" Xena demanded in
frustration.
"Oh, the spell
is broken. I know I don't love him anymore. At least not the way I did a few
minutes ago," Gabrielle said slyly. "I just want him. Now."
Xena could take no
more. She staggered over and threw up all over the offerings that had been left
for the Goddess of Love. "I'll get you for this, Aphrodite!" she
promised, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "Don't think this is
over between us!"
Then, not being able
to stand the sounds coming from the anteroom any longer, she marched outside
and sat down on the steps to wait for them to finish, sharpening her sword and
plotting her revenge.
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DISCLAIMER: Yes, this was written in response to all of the
Joxer-bashing on the lists and the moral of the story is: Don't tick off a
Pro-Joxer Bard by engaging in mean-spirited assaults on both the character of
Joxer and the person of Ted Raimi.
Now, be nice.
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