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DISCLAIMER:
This FANFIC uses characters from X:WP and H:TLJ, which are, of course, the sole
property of MCA Universal and Renaissance Pictures. But the story, such as it
is, is all mine.
This
includes a spoiler for "Sacrifice, Part II."
Oh,
and it's rated the same as the television show: PG14 for suggestive
language.
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X
& G's PHOTOSHOOT
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THE
SCENE: Xena and Gabrielle are walking through the same woods they always walk
through. It is a pleasant day, blue sky, white clouds, black microphone, the
usual.
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XENA
[Smiling discreetly]: How was I supposed to know his head would come off like
that, Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
[Still trying to wipe blood and brains from her clothing and hair]: How many
fights have you been in, Xena?
XENA:
Counting the last one?
GABRIELLE:
It was a rhetorical question.
XENA:
Oh. [mumbles] 1,358.
GABRIELLE:
What?
XENA:
Nothing. What's the number of fights I've been in got to do with anything?
GABRIELLE:
After all the times you've used that sword of yours, you ought to know by now what the result of swinging
it through a man's neck will be.
XENA:
Well, sure I knew his head would come off. I just didn't expect it to land on you. You were moving around so
much, taking out the others with your staff--Nice job, by the way. You're
beautiful when you're angry--that I lost track of you. I said I was sorry.
GABRIELLE
[Pulling her hair in front of her eyes]: Sorry? Is sorry going to get this gore
out of my hair?
XENA
[Grinning]: No, but I know what will. There's a stream just around the bend we
can wash up in.
GABRIELLE:
How do you know that?
XENA
[Whispering]: Just keep in mind that I didn't write this drivel! [Regular
voice] Being an expert woodsperson, I just know.
GABRIELLE
[Whispering]: Ugh. Is this an Armus and Foster script? [Regular voice] You'll
have to teach me some of those woodsy skills one of these days.
XENA
[Whispering and grimacing]: "Woodsy skills??!"
GABRIELLE
[Shrugging]: Oh, look! There's the stream! I can't wait to get naked!
DIRECTOR
[Rushing in]: CUT! "Clean." The line is "I can't wait to get clean."
Now, let's try it again from the "woodsy skills" line. And, remember,
Xena, that you are to stay on the bank and not look at her.
XENA
[Sighing resignedly]: I remember. What should
I look at?
DIRECTOR:
I don't know. Watch for Warlords or Callisto or something. Just don't look at
Gabrielle when she's bathing.
GABRIELLE:
Callisto's dead.
DIRECTOR
[Exasperated]: WHAT-ever! Just don't--
ROB
TAPERT [Jumping out of a jeep that has screeched to a halt inches from the
girls and the Director]: Never mind the scene for now! I've got a great deal
set up for you two. Hop in.
The
girls hop into the jeep with RT and it speeds off, leaving the Director choking
on a cloud of dust.
XENA:
Rob, I think we need to talk about the script we're shooting...
ROB:
Don't worry about it. I'll have a talk with the writers and I'm sure we can
make it work. Here we are!
GABRIELLE:
Make it work??! Have you read this thing? It's got even more continuity errors
than most and absolutely no, zero, nada, goose-egg, zip, nothing whatsoever in
the subtext department!
Rob
ignores her as the jeep screeches to a halt in front of a gigantic hotel with a
huge fountain in the courtyard. All around the fountain are various lights and
shades, a portable trailer, and about a dozen people milling about, including
one flamboyantly dressed man with several cameras around his neck.
PHOTOGRAPHER:
At last! Oh, you weren't kidding! They are fabo! Except for the blonde...What is that in your hair, honey?
GABRIELLE
[Blushing and trying desperately to comb the gore from her hair with her
hands]: Just some special effects. [Whispering angrily to Rob] You could have
let me get cleaned up first!
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Well, they don't look too special to me, baby. Ann-Marie! [A matchstick wearing
a bikini runs up] Take little miss star here and get that crapola out of her
golden locks. Thanks, love. [The matchstick and Gabrielle head toward the
trailer] Now, then, let's take a look at your friend...Oh my.
XENA
[Suspiciously]: What?
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Well, the cave-bunny thing has simply got
to go. It's so passe.
XENA:
I'm a warrior from Ancient Greece. Not some prehistoric bimbo.
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Whatever, dear. It still has to go.
I do like the eyes, though. Gorgeous, absolutely enthralling.
XENA:
Thanks. Does that mean I can keep them?
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Oh, Puh-leeze! Spare me from children, animals, and would-be comedians! Now, as
for the hair...[Xena begins to growl dangerously]...I guess it can stay the way
it is. We'll just wet it down. Mary-Ann! [Another matchstick in a bikini runs
up] Take miss bad attitude here and get her changed. Chop-chop, darling! We
don't want to lose the sun!
GABRIELLE
[Walking up, her hair clean and still wet, but her outfit the same]: Kind of
hard to do that. It's the big orange thing in the sky.
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Oy vey! Not another one...Anne-Marie! Have you lost your mind, girl? Why is
miss moppet here still wearing these disgusting rags?
ANN-MARIE
[Whining and pouting]: But, you never told me to change her.
GABRIELLE:
Rags?
PHOTOGRAPHER:
I don't tell you to breathe in and out, either, but you don't fall over dead
because you don't! Now, get her into something that doesn't make her look like
a medieval whore!
GABRIELLE:
Excuse me? [As she's dragged off by Anne-Marie] Who are you calling a medieval
whore? And I'm from Ancient Greece. You know, the Golden Age!
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Whatever. You still look a floozy. Uh oh. [Sees Xena storming towards him,
naked, and dragging Mary-Ann behind her] What's the problem, sweetie?
XENA
[Holding up something that looks more like a potato bag than a swimsuit]: You
can't seriously want me to wear this??! It practically covers up my
entire body!
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Didn't Roberino mention the new sponsors? Right Gear: For those folks so
conservative they give Ollie North the willies. This is their line of swimwear,
guaranteed not to arouse those unhealthy passions which lead to sex and other
disgusting things. [Aside] Personally, I hate the stuff, but you should see the
money I'm getting for this shoot. When this is done I'll be able to buy all the
cheap toy-boys I want!
XENA:
This isn't going to happen. Gabrielle and I are out of here. Gabrielle!
[Gabrielle emerges wearing a shapeless mass of material which effectively
prevents anyone from telling she is a woman, and barely reveals that she's a
human being] Ack! Get that thing off, Gabrielle! We're leaving.
ROB
[Rushing up]: Xena, sweetheart, not so fast, pussycat. There's a lot of money
involved here. [Whispering] Money I've already spent on other things, if you
catch my drift. [Regular voice] Come on, for me? It won't be that bad and I
promise to make it up to you. Pleeeease?
XENA:
You'll fix the script. Add some genuine subtext. A real bathing scene, with
both of us in the water at the same time. And a firelight backrubbing scene.
ROB:
Sure, Xena. Anything you want. Just get into the suits and do this for me,
okay?
XENA
[Grabbing Rob by his collar and lifting him off the ground]: If you even think
about backing out of our deal, I'll hit you so hard your lawyers' parents will
feel it! Do we understand each other?
ROB: A
backrubbing scene and a bathing scene
both in a subtext-friendly script? What are you trying to do, drive away every
het sponsor we've got? This is a business, Xena. It runs on profits, not on
your whims. I can't make that kind of--AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Xena lifts Rob over
her head] Okay! Okay! A backrubbing scene and a bathing scene! Now, put me
down!
XENA
[Gently setting him down on the ground]: I knew we could come to a mutually
agreeable compromise. C'mon, Gabrielle. [Begins to get into her swimsuit] Let's
get this over with.
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Finally! Now, stand in front of the fountain next to each other, but don't
touch each other! [Xena and Gab, looking like lumpy sacks of dirt, stand in
front of the fountain] Perfect! Okay, when I say "Millions," give me
your biggest smiles. Ready? [The girls nod sullenly] Get ready...[Photographer
motions to assistants who immediately drench the girls with freezing cold
water]...Millions! [Snaps furiously as the girls scream in shock] Great! Pout
for me! Show me those lips, blondie! Now, you, warrior babe, flash those baby
blues! Hey! [Xena and Gabrielle jump into the relatively warm water of the
fountain and begin massaging each other to work the cold from their
bodies...but, well, knowing the girls, one thing leads to another and pretty
soon they're going at each other like there's no tomorrow] I can't use any of
that!
ROB
[Sighing enviously]: I sure could.
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Xena
and Gabrielle lock lips and sink beneath the shallow water of the fountain. A
few seconds later both their swimsuits float to the surface as the screen fades
to black.
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THE END