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DISCLAIMER:
While this fan fic does use characters from X:WP, it also includes real people
from the XenaVerse Mailing List. The premise is that all of the members of the
XML live in a complex of buildings on the slopes of Mount Olympus, but Xena,
Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus, and the rest of the characters from the universe
of X:WP interact with them on a regular basis.
Also, I did not write
this entire epic by myself, James Davis
is equally to blame. But, for the sake of continuity, I have edited all of the
40 installments into 3 parts. Some minor rewriting has also been done to
preserve the narrative voice throughout.
Oh, and it's rated
the same as the television show: PG14 for suggestive language and mild
violence.
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The King and Queen of Arcadia
Proudly announce the marriage of their beloved daughter
Princess Damara
to the former King of Thieves
Autolycus of Scyros
The Binding Ceremony will take place during the Matronalia
At the Groom's request, all residents of the XenaVerse are invited
to attend this happy and festive occasion.
Room and board will be provided for any who attend by the gracious
Groom himself as a show of good faith and to prove that he has given up his
former greedy nature.
Please RSVP to King Bastian and Queen Lena of
Arcadia at your earliest
convenience and join us in this happy
celebration.
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Autolycus looked over
the sample invitation and nodded his approval. "These will do fine,"
he said with a smile, hugging a slender, auburn haired woman close to him.
"Do you like them, darling?"
Princess Damara
snuggled up to him and nodded. "They're absolutely divine...Just like you,
sweetie. I can't believe we're actually going to be married in a little over
three weeks. It seems like I've known you forever, even though it's only been a
couple of months."
"I know exactly
what you mean, dandelion," Auto agreed, stroking her hair gently.
"I'm just glad we found each other and your father approved of our
union."
The woman next to him
shifted uncomfortably. "Um, well, father may have
approved, but you
still have to pass the Adoniad," she said in a quiet voice.
Autolycus stiffened.
"And just what is the Adoniad?" he asked, pulling back to look her in
the eyes.
"A series of
tests any suitors must pass before being allowed to marry a daughter of the
Royal House of Arcadia," she blurted out.
"Tests? No one
said anything about any tests. What kind of tests?" he asked, suddenly
suspicious. "I don't have to be a virgin or anything like that, do
I?"
"Oh, no! Nothing
like that," she answered, slightly blushing when he exhaled in relief.
"The Adoniad are a series of challenges which, according to ancient
tradition, can only be completed by a man who is worthy to one day sit on the
Arcadian throne."
"What do you
know about the specifics of the tests?" he pressed.
"Not very much,
I'm afraid. No one has been forced to undertake them in my lifetime," she
shrugged. "But don't worry, I have faith in you, Auto. I know you'll come
through them with flying colors."
The former King of
Thieves scowled ever so slightly and then leaned forward and chastely kissed
Damara on her forehead. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, love-cake.
When do I begin these tests?" he asked.
"Soon
enough," boomed a male voice from behind the pair.
"Lord Vantys, I
didn't hear you come in," Auto said, carefully placing the Princess at
arm's length from him.
"So I
gathered," the younger man frowned, but then, turning to face the
Princess, he smiled as brightly as Apollo. "I hope I didn't startle you,
my lady."
"Of course not,
Vantys. Perhaps you and my fiancé should discuss the Adoniad in private,"
she said, pausing to give Auto a kiss on the cheek, which slid over onto his
mouth before she pulled away, giggling. "I'll see you later, my love, and
I'll inform the royal scribe that this design is satisfactory. Good day, Lord
Vantys."
Vantys bowed his head
as she passed him on the way to the exit. "And to you, Princess," he
replied.
"You really need
to relax, loosen up a bit, you're such a stiff it's no wonder she never showed
any interest in you," Autolycus observed.
"You speak out
of place, Autolycus. The Princess and I barely know each other," Vantys
sputtered.
"Exactly. But
you can't fool me, I can see you wish it were otherwise. Of course, it hardly
makes any difference now, does it, since she'll be marrying me in less than a
moon? The sad thing is, even if I'd never come along and quite literally swept
her off her royal slippers, she still would never have had anything to do with
you. Not with that attitude," he said quickly, enjoying how the younger
man's face darkened with rage. "So, what about these tests I have to
take?"
Lord Vantys choked
back his anger and proceeded to inform Autolycus of the Adoniad, taking secret
delight in the way the former thief's cocky demeanor faded as he described each
task the older man was expected to complete in order to win the hand of the
Princess.
After the younger man
had gone back to doing whatever he did when not spying on the former King of
Thieves, Autolycus quickly wrote a note on a small piece of parchment and then
made his way to the roof. There, he removed a pigeon from the pen marked XenaVerse Complex, fastened the
note to its leg, and then released it.
"I just hope
James is at home," he mumbled to himself as he watched the bird wing its
way North.
Athena's owl flew
through the open window and landed on a perch that was set up there just for
him. "Hey, mate! How's the bleeding head this morning?" he yelled at
James, who was sitting on a couch reading the Daily Scroll.
Looking over the top
of the scroll, the bard shot him a bleary, bloodshot-eyed look and said,
"Oh, just fine. Makes me wish that I was dead again. Whatever possessed me
to let you talk me into going to an Amazon party and get involved in a drinking
contest?"
The owl just chuckled
and then asked, "So, what's in this morning's scroll?"
"Usual stuff.
The Amazons are announcing another party for tonight. Zeus is rumored to be
having another affair with a mortal woman. That kind of thing," he told
the owl, glancing down at the scroll.
The owl gave his
equivalent of a human shrug by rotating his head side to side. "You need
to get out for a while. Do some more traveling."
"You know that's
a problem right now. We've had two bounty hunters show up here looking for
Inimicles lately. And, in case you've forgotten, I am now wearing his
body," James said.
"Like it would
make that much difference. When you were alive the first time, you looked
exactly like Inimicles anyway. You two could have been twins. I'm glad to see
that you at least have a better fashion sense than he did," the owl said,
looking at the clothes that James was wearing; a white shirt covered with a
dark green vest and brown leather pants with brown boots. "When you first
came back, I was worried that you were going to stay with that black armor of
Inimicles, or go back to that Ares style clothing you were wearing before. I
was happy to see you order some new clothes from the tailor, but I think you
should have stayed with that mistake the delivery person first brought
you," the owl said with another chuckle.
"That was
woman's clothing! It looked like something Callisto would have worn!"
James exclaimed.
"What's the
matter? Afraid that it wouldn't have looked good on you, or afraid that it
would have?" the owl laughed as it dodged the thrown scroll.
Hearing a knock at
the door, James yelled at whoever it was to come in. One of the many Amazons
that made their home in the XenaVerse Complex entered. She had short spiky
black hair and he vaguely remembered her from the party last night.
"We got a
message for you by U.P.S delivered to our place by mistake, so I brought it
over," she said, looking around.
"U.P.S.?"
the owl asked hopping on to the back of the couch, trying to see the message.
"Universal
Pigeon Service," the Amazon woman said, handing James the small piece of
parchment.
"Oh, yeah, I
remember their slogan now: Your message guaranteed to be there overnight or you
get to eat the pigeon," the owl said, looking at the Amazon. "Did the
message get here overnight?" he asked her hopefully.
The Amazon frowned at
the owl and then said, "Yes!"
"Pity!" the
owl said and then hopped closer still, trying to see the message.
The Amazon turned to
leave and then, stopping, she turned back. "Um, James, do you remember the
party last night?"
"Just
barely," he answered with a grimace.
"Well, one of my
sister Amazons lost her handbook scroll last night and she was wondering if you
might have seen it?"
James turned to look
at the owl, at the same time he turned to look at the bard. They then both
turned to look back at her. "I didn't know that Amazons had handbook
scrolls," James said with surprise.
"Well, she says
if she finds out who took it, she will have to kill them, so, if you see it
somewhere, could you bring it over to the P&P?" the Amazon asked.
"Well, if I see
it somewhere, I'll tell you where to find it, but I don't think that I will
bring it around," James said with a smile.
The Amazon thought
about it for a moment and then smiled herself. "Maybe that would be safer.
See you tonight?"
"I haven't
decided," he replied, rubbing his throbbing temples.
The Amazon laughed
and walked out of the room waving her farewell.
The owl waited until
she was gone and then fairly bounced with curiosity. "Who's the message
from?"
"Autolycus,"
James answered, looking it over.
"What does the
eternally wandering, rogue King of Thieves have to say?" the owl asked,
trying to read the message over his shoulder.
"You're not
going to believe this! He's getting married! And, he wants me to be his best
man, and to look up some information for him in Athene's library before I
leave," James said in an astounded voice.
"Who's he
marrying? Some saucy barmaid in some backward town that doesn't know of his
reputation?" the owl said derisively.
"Would you
believe Princess Damara of Arcadia?" he said, showing the message to the
owl.
The owl's beak moved as
he read the message. "What's a 'best man'?"
"It's a fairly
new tradition that started about seven years ago. The best male friend stands
at the groom's side while he gets married," James explained to the owl.
"Why?"
"I think it's
supposed to be the best man's job to make sure that the groom doesn't get a
case of nerves and try to run off before the wedding or something like
that," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "He says here at the end
that formal wedding invitations are being sent out to everyone here at the
XenaVerse Complex, but he wants me to get information about something called
the Adoniad at Athene's library and bring it early."
"Do you think
that the King of Thieves is really going to settle down?" the owl asked.
"I don't know,
but I guess I'll find out soon enough. I better see what this Adoniad is all
about and make some travel arrangements," he said, getting up off of the
couch and heading for the door. "See you later, owl."
The owl flew back to
the perch by the window and mused aloud to himself, "The King of Thieves
settling down with a 'ball and chain'? This I have got to see!"
Autolycus entered the
throne room and saw King Bastian and Queen Lena seated on their chairs of
state. Lord Vantys stood next to the King, watching the former King of Thieves
carefully. "You sent for me, your highness?" Auto said, bowing low.
"I did,"
the King replied. He was in his late forties, with gray hairs beginning to be
featured prominently in his brown beard. He had the build of a warrior, but the
eyes of a weary traveler who has seen too much evil in the world to really get
a good night's sleep. "I've heard some rumors about you..." he began.
"Rumors are
ugly, imprecise things at best, your majesty," Autolycus said quickly.
"Personally, I pay them no mind." He laughed nervously.
"Quite true,
Autolycus," Queen Lena said, nodding in agreement. She was younger than
her husband, but not by more than ten winters, with long hair the color of
freshly tilled earth and deep brown eyes that looked as soft as the fur on a
fawn. Most of the time. But Autolycus had also seen those same soft brown eyes
grow cold and hard. As they were now. "Which is why we wanted to confirm
these rumors with you."
"Just what
rumors are we talking about?" Auto asked suspiciously as his mind raced
over any of the dozens of rumors circulating about him, not to mention the
countless verifiable facts which might give the King and Queen cause for
concern.
"The ones
regarding your association with Xena, the Warrior Princess," King Bastian
said, and Auto thought he detected a slight sneer in his voice as he did so.
"We hear you're
friends with her," Queen Lena added quickly.
Auto let out a sigh
of relief. "Yeah, I'd say we're friends," he nodded. "We've definitely
been through a lot together. Why?"
"Might she be
coming to your wedding?" the Queen pressed.
"If there is a
wedding," Lord Vantys mumbled just loud enough to be heard.
"I certainly
hope so," Autolycus responded, ignoring the disgruntled lord's comment.
"I hope that won't be a problem."
"No problem at
all," King Bastian said with a smile which Auto thought seemed a bit
forced. "We just wanted to know so that we could prepare a proper
reception for one of Greece's most famous heroes."
Autolycus nodded,
raising one eyebrow at the sight of the King's face reddening ever so slightly
and his hands balling up into tightly clenched fists. "Was there anything
else?" he asked.
"No, I don't
think so," Queen Lena said, patting her husband's hand until it relaxed.
"Thank you, dear. You may go now."
"Until dinner,
then, majesty, my queen, Lord Vantys," Auto said, bowing again and then
turning and striding from the room.
Once he was gone,
King Bastian motioned for the guards standing by to close the doors. "You
don't think he suspects, do you?" the King hissed.
Queen Lena shook her
head, a cruel smile playing about her lips. "He's too worried about his
own reputation sinking this match to bother about Xena's," she replied.
"You were just another general during the Battle of Corinth, my dear, and
our son was just another soldier. She probably wouldn't know his face if she
saw it today and I'm sure his name would mean nothing to her, but I can never
forget it. I still wake up with it on my lips. And the image of you returning
from that awful battle, with his lifeless body cradled in your arms, is one I
can never forget. And one which the Warrior Princess will pay for when she
arrives for Autolycus' wedding," the Queen vowed, tears streaming from her
eyes and her own hands clenched tightly into fists. "The rest of the world
might think her a hero, but I can only regard her as the cause of my son's
death."
"Don't worry, my
dear," the King said, reaching out and gently stroking her face, wiping
away the tears. "Xena will pay for that crime. If she never pays for any
of her other offenses, by the Gods, I swear that she will pay for the death of
our dear Demas!"
"It will be my
supreme honor to see to it that the Warrior Princess is arrested and brought to
justice in the memory of your beloved son," Lord Vantys said solemnly,
bowing before the royal couple.
"Dear Vantys,
what would we ever do without you?" Queen Lena sighed, reaching down and
stroking his cheek.
"Thank you,
Vantys," King Bastian said, placing his hand on the man's shoulder.
"Now, you'd better keep an eye on our future son-in-law."
All three laughed as
Lord Vantys nodded curtly and then left the throne room to see where the former
King of Thieves had got off to.
---------------------------
The Queen had been
right about one thing: Autolycus was so worried about his own past that he
never paused to consider Xena's and, while he did think King Bastian had acted
a bit off, he chalked the monarch's behavior up to reservations he had about
his daughter marrying the infamous King of Thieves. So, as he made his way
through the castle, heading towards the courtyard where he had left the
Princess practicing her archery, his thoughts revolved around the Adoniad and
his need to successfully complete it so that the wedding would take place.
"What did Mummy
and Daddy want?" Damara asked, releasing an arrow.
Autolycus dove out of
the way just in time to avoid being skewered, even though he was nowhere near
the target. "They were just curious if Xena would be attending our
wedding, sweetums," he replied, picking himself off the ground. He dusted
off his clothing and then removed the arrow from the earth at his feet.
"You're improving. At least you're not missing the ground anymore,"
he grinned, handing the arrow to her.
"Oh, you!"
she huffed, playfully swatting him with the bow. "I really don't care for
this sort of training at all. I'd much rather be exercising my mind. But father
insists that I maintain a healthy body as well as a healthy mind." She
folded her arms across her chest and puffed out her lower lip. "So, I have
no choice."
"Now,
honeybunch, your father is right," Auto chided, tweaking her nose.
"You've got a great figure, it would be a shame to lose it because you
never got any exercise. Of course, there are other ways to exercise..." he added, waggling his eyebrows
suggestively.
Princess Damara
laughed and lowered her eyes. "Now, dear-heart, you know I've vowed not to
experience your passion's gift until after we exchange marriage vows," she
blushed.
"How could I
forget," Auto mumbled under his breath.
"What?" she
pressed, looking up, her dark eyes flashing suspiciously.
"How could I
forget such a beautiful gesture," he said quickly, giving her one of his
most disarming smiles. "Uh, oh, here comes Master Dempsey, and he doesn't
look happy that you've taken an unscheduled break from your lessons."
"My dear
sir," the older man said icily, indicating that he considered Autolycus
neither dear nor a sir, "the Princess' education in everything from music
to mathematics has been placed in my capable hands. However, I cannot properly
instruct her in any subject if you continue to interrupt us. Why don't you go
steal something and stay out of my hair."
"I gave up
stealing when I met this enchantress," Auto said, bowing and kissing
Damara's hand. "As for staying out of your hair...I don't think I could
fit up your nose, and that's the only hair I can see on you." As Dempsey
turned an ugly shade of purple, Autolycus smiled and made his exit, blowing
kisses to Damara as he went.
As James walked
through the garden on his way over to Athene's library, he had to pass the
marble monument which had been erected in his honor from the time when he had
saved Athene from Barney and Hope. The adventure that resulted in his dying the
first time. It was always an extremely weird feeling walking by alive, knowing
that 6 foot down lie his first body, decomposing quietly. As usual, he hurried
past without looking at it.
The doors to Athene's
library opened at his approach and, hearing the flapping of wings, James was
not surprised as Athene's owl landed on his shoulder. Looking around, the bard
could see that the library was empty.
The owl, noticing his
questioning gaze, said, "Athene's not here. She's still looking for
scrolls to refill her library."
"I just hope
that we can find the information we need here. Where should we start looking
first?" he asked the owl, deferring to his knowledge of Athene's library.
"Mating rituals
and marriage customs," the owl said decisively, rotating his head to point
at a series of shelves.
Quickly scanning the
labels on the scrolls, James found the one marked Arcadia - Royalty - Adoniad. Taking the
scroll to a table, he unrolled and started to scan it. The owl landed on the
table and was reading along with him.
Test 1 - Fidelity
The owl looked at
James and blinked his eyes several times. "I think Autolycus is already in
trouble," he said solemnly.
"Umm,
yeah," James agreed and then continued to read:
The suitor for the hand of marriage to a member of the
royal family will be taken and placed into a confined area with ten members of
the opposite sex for the term of no less than one day to test their devotion to
the member of the royal family that they are intending to marry.
James paused and
looked over what he had just read. "What the Tartarus does all that
mean?" he asked out loud.
The owl, snickering
slightly, said, "It means that Autolycus will be locked into a small room
with ten beautiful women for an entire day to see if he can behave himself and
remain true to the Princess."
"Poor Autolycus.
This might cause him to have a nervous breakdown," James said, shaking his
head.
Test 2 - Intelligence
There will be a series
of tests in logic and reasoning composed by scholars of the court to prove that
the suitor to a member of the royal family is an individual of high
intelligence levels.
James looked up at
the owl. "You mean Autolycus has to take a written test to prove that he
is smart enough to marry the Princess?"
"I would think
that wanting to get married would already prove that you're not that
smart!" the owl snorted.
"Spoken like a
true bachelor owl," James said with a smile as he read the next test.
Test 3 - Strength and
Dexterity
A test to be determined
by court to test the limits of the individual wishing to marry a member of the
royal family will be performed to prove individual's abilities in strength and
dexterity.
James ran his tongue
thoughtfully across his teeth. "So, if I read this correctly, the King or
one of his advisors will make up some kind of test that will require Autolycus
to do something physically hard and for a long time to make sure he is
physically good enough for the Princess?"
"Should be a
breeze for Autolycus, as long as he hasn't angered any of the court and they
decide to hit him with something really hard," the owl said.
"Well, then,
Autolycus should be all right. The only test he'll have any problem with is the
very first one and, if he truly loves the Princess, that shouldn't give him any
trouble," James said with a smile. "After all, Autolycus is smart,
strong and dexterous enough to pass any tests that the court may hit him with.
As long, as you say, he has not angered anyone that has anything to do with
picking or judging the tests."
James rolled the
scroll up and placed it back on the shelf. Turning, he found himself in the
travel section and, on a whim, picked up a scroll on the kingdom of Arcadia.
"I'll take this with me and read up on Arcadia as I travel, that way I'll
have a little knowledge of their customs and spots of interest by the time I
get there."
"Hmmm, good
idea. I know that Athene won't mind you borrowing a scroll for a while. When do
we leave?" the owl said, flying over to land on his shoulder.
"We? I didn't
see an invitation for you anywhere," James reminded him.
"It's probably
coming by messenger with the rest of the invitations. Autolycus wouldn't leave
me out. Besides, you don't think that I'm going to miss seeing Autolycus
married, do you? The chance to tease and torment him is too great. You have to
let me come!"
James allowed the owl
to stew for a moment as he appeared to consider it. "Won't Athene be
annoyed that you left your post guarding the library?"
"The library can
take of itself. Who's going to bother it?" the owl said as he hopped from
foot to foot on James' shoulder.
"Strife
destroyed it once, remember?" the bard said as he made his way to the
door.
"Strife is gone
now for good and no one else would dare risk Athene's wrath." The owl
stopped hopping around on James' shoulder and stared at him with his large
eyes. "Can I please travel with you to Autolycus' marriage?"
"Okay. The trip
would be lonely without someone to talk to and I know how thrilled Autolycus
will be to see you when we arrive."
As the doors to the
library closed behind them, Athene's owl's voice rang out: "Are you being
sarcastic, mate?"
The young woman
approached the city gates and adjusted her hooded cloak to shield her face from
the guards who were watching travelers enter and leave the great city. Not that
she was likely to have been recognized by them, never having visited the city
before, but it was a habit that was hard to break. Not surprisingly, the men on
watch paid her no mind at all.
Once in the city, she
made her way to the royal castle and appraised how difficult it would be to get
in. To her amazement, and if there were no hidden traps or devices she'd
missed, it would be laughably easy for her to sneak in, should she need to. At
the moment, however, she wasn't sure if it would even be necessary.
In fact, if
everything went the way she hoped, she'd never have to set foot in the castle
at all.
Satisfied that this
would be even easier than she had suspected, she walked off to find suitable
lodgings for her brief, but profitable, stay in the kingdom.
Later that evening,
as she sat drinking in one of the local taverns, several of Lord Vantys'
personal guards entered and rounded up several of the women, including her.
"What's going on?" she inquired as she and five other women,
professionals, from the look of them, were hustled from the building.
"Quiet, wench,
and you might make some money," growled one of the soldiers, pushing her
outside.
"This is only
six women, captain," Lord Vantys said as he sat astride his horse just
outside the tavern, "I told you that I needed ten."
"The rest
weren't worth the bother it would take to bring them before you, sir," the
captain replied, wearily saluting his master.
Lord Vantys urged his
horse forward and carefully examined the women standing nervously before him.
"Smile," he instructed a buxom redhead. "You'll do. What's that
on your chin?" he demanded of a petite brunette.
"A wart,
sir," she managed to croak out.
"A wart?! Great
Zeus, woman! I thought someone had nailed a dead mouse on your face! You can
go," he said, softening his tone and handing her a coin. She bowed and
dashed away. "Fine...Yes...Very nice...You, there, step closer and let me
have a look at you," he instructed the stranger. She hesitated only a
moment before approaching him and removing her hooded cloak. Lord Vantys, his
guards, and even two of the women whistled in appreciation as a well-curved
body clad in silk and leather was revealed. The woman, who looked to be in her
late 20's, had stunning dark eyes that glistened like polished glass and a full
head of auburn hair which hung in a single braid to the small of her back. Her
outfit was comprised of a silken blouse the color of a forest lake at midnight
and leather breeches as black as Ares' heart that hugged her shapely thighs and
rear end as if they had been painted on. "You will most definitely do, my
dear. What's your name?"
"Varina, Lord
Vantys," she replied, bowing low and affording him an excellent view of
her cleavage. "I'm glad that I please you."
With an effort,
Vantys regained his composure and shook his head. "Oh, no, Varina, you're
not for my bed. I've something else in mind for you ladies. And, it won't
involve any more than just sitting around and being the lovely creatures you
are," he said with a gleam in his eye. "Carry on, captain, and find
me five more before I've returned from my meeting."
"Aye, sir,"
the captain replied, saluting as Lord Vantys rode off toward the city gates.
"So, what does
this gig pay, sweet-stuff?" asked one of the other women, stroking a
guard's face with her hand.
"100 dinars, and
a bonus if you break the suitor's resolve and he gives in to your charms,"
the captain replied.
"How much of a
bonus are we talking about, stud?" the buxom redhead asked, pushing her
chest against that of the captain.
"500
dinars," the soldier replied without batting an eye.
"You mentioned a
suitor...?" Varina questioned, putting her cloak back on.
"Aye, but
there's no need to worry about that right now. Lord Vantys will explain
everything to you before the test begins," he assured them. "So, if
you want to make yourselves some easy money, be sure to come round to the back
of the castle in three days. And make sure you use the servant's
entrance."
"We will,"
the women promised, laughing as they headed back into the tavern to see if they
couldn't still make some money tonight. Except for Varina, who instead crept
back to her room.
"It would appear
that Autolycus has made himself an enemy already," she grumbled to herself
as she prepared for bed. "Figures this wouldn't be as easy it
sounded."
---------------------------
Meanwhile, the
soldiers had continued on and entered another tavern. This time, it was the
captain, Cretius by name, who waited outside to judge the women his men brought
to him. He glanced up as a half-dozen women emerged from the building. `At
least there are no warts on this bunch,' he said to himself. His thoughts
trailed off as a tall woman with black hair and piercing blue eyes joined the
others. She was wearing a flimsy outfit made of sheer material, fashioned in
the style of the eastern lands. "What's your name, darling?" he
asked, approaching her and not attempting to hide his desire.
"Cherish,"
she replied seductively, although her eyes glistened with fires of an entirely
different nature.
Cretius nodded and
continued down the line, nodding appreciatively. "Ladies," he said,
pacing back and forth in front of the seven women, "the kingdom of Arcadia
needs your unique services to expose a pretender to the crown. Unfortunately,
we will only need five of you." He walked over to a small-chested woman
with light brown hair and handed her a coin. "Sorry, maybe another
time." He then turned to a short woman with reddish highlights in her
blonde hair and likewise gave her a coin. "You, too, sweetheart. Perhaps
another time. Now, then, as for the rest of-"
"Excuse
me," the blonde said, her green eyes flashing. "You're taking
her," she pointed to a rather plain brunette with a generous chest,
"over me? No offense, dear."
"Yes,"
replied the captain wearily. "Now then, if you ladies-"
"Can I ask
why?" the blonde interrupted, looking down at her body, which was looking
particularly lovely in a two piece outfit made of red velvet which exposed her
taut abdominals fetchingly, and then over at the other woman, who, while
well-endowed, was also a bit on the heavy side.
"I was told the
suitor prefers...taller women. You're too short," Cretius replied
diplomatically.
"Face it, short-stuff,"
said Cherish with a wicked grin, "there just isn't enough of you. Maybe
you should consider a different profession?"
"Oh, there's
plenty of me, chippy! More than enough to give you a piece, if you know what I
mean," the blonde growled.
Cretius sighed and
gestured to a couple of his men and they grabbed the outspoken woman by the
arms and led her back into the tavern as her challenges to the captain
continued: "Are you sure you won't change your mind? Size isn't
everything, you know!"
Once she was gone,
Cretius proceeded to instruct the women as he had the other group and they all
assured him they would be at the rear entrance of the castle in three days. As
they were heading back into the tavern, he detained Cherish, placing his hand
on her arm, which was surprisingly hard. "Are you interested in making
some money this evening?" he asked hopefully, removing his helmet and
smoothing down his hair.
"Sorry, I'm on a
pork-free diet," she said, removing his hand and entering the tavern.
---------------------------
As James entered the
city gates of Megalopolis the following afternoon, the owl sitting on his
shoulder started talking into his ear very quietly, "Hey, let's get
something to eat! I'm starving!"
"I thought we
agreed that you wouldn't talk in public? Remember? It's not a good idea for
anyone to find out that Athene's owl is out. There might be someone who thinks
of grabbing you to try and ransom you back to Athene," the bard whispered
back while quickly looking around the crowd to see if they had drawn any
attention.
One of the city
guards watching just shook his head. "These foreigners and their strange
pets. Talking to them as if they could understand," the guard said loudly,
nudging one of his fellow guards and pointing.
Walking a little
faster, James got out of sight and then hissed at the owl, "Can you please
try not to draw attention to us?"
"What's the
problem? We're supposed to be here by invite for a wedding. Why are you
sneaking around anyway, mate?" the owl whispered back.
"Strange for a
city that is about to have a royal wedding to have so many guards around, don't
you think?" James said, gesturing with his chin as another patrol passed
by.
"Hmmm, you think
that something more than just Autolycus getting married is going on?" the
owl asked thoughtfully.
"Maybe, then
again, maybe I'm just being overly cautious. There is something about all of
this that is making me nervous, though," he said, looking at yet another
passing patrol of guards. "We might as well get something to eat before
visiting the castle. It would be in poor taste to show up for a royal audience
with a bird that died of starvation on my shoulder," he added with a grin
as he made his way to the nearest tavern.
Entering the tavern,
James took a seat at a table at the very back of the place. After a few
moments, a very tired looking woman showed up and handed him a small, dirty
scroll. Reading the stained piece of paper, he quickly made his choices.
"Bring me the
stew of the day and a pitcher of port wine. Oh, and bring my owl one of these
roasted pigeons you have listed here," he said, handing the scroll back to
her.
"We don't serve
animals in here, even if they are pets," she scowled.
Seeing the owl's
feathers starting to ruffle, James quickly spoke before he could. "Why?
What do you care what I do with the food as long as I pay for it?"
"It would put
people off eating if they had to watch a owl eat," the woman said, folding
her arms across her chest.
Just then they both
heard what sounded like a bunch of pigs eating in a trough. Looking to the
right, they saw a man wearing well to do clothing sitting at a table a short
distance away. He had his face close to the table and was shoveling food in as
fast as he could with both hands, pausing every few moments to chew once before
shoveling more in.
The woman looked back
at James and said, "You promise to clean up any mess the owl makes after
he eats?"
He nodded and the
woman grunted once and then walked away.
A few moments later
the woman came back, balancing a tray with a bowl, tankard of port and carrying
a separate wooden platter with a roasted, golden brown pigeon on it. She sat
the bowl in front of James and placed the delicious smelling pigeon in front of
where the owl stood on the table.
Picking up a wooden
spoon, James looked at the stew. It was gray in color and had undefinable bits
of what he hoped were vegetables floating in it. Reaching out with the spoon,
he pushed down on a gray lump floating in the middle and, as it sank beneath
the liquid, was rewarded with a bubble that floated to the surface but did not
manage to break through the oily looking liquid.
Pushing the bowl away
and then pulling his chair back a little from the table to be on the safe side,
James looked over at the pigeon.
"Maybe you could
use some help eating that pigeon? After all, it is rather large for a
pigeon," he said, reaching out.
"DON'T
EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"
the owl hissed quietly.
James pulled his hand
back with a sigh and was just about to call out for the tavern maid to bring
him something else, when he felt a warm tingling feeling come over him. He was
just about to turn around when a very familiar strawberry blond threw an arm
around his neck and landed in his lap.
"Hey, big boy!
Got some money to spend on a lady?"
The man looked on in
stunned silence as Xena dressed in a sheer costume pulled a chair away from the
table and, turning it backward, sat down in it.
Regaining his voice,
James said, "Now, you could be the woman Joxer is always telling me about
called Meg, but I know that there can't be two women that are as cute and sexy
as Gabrielle." He saw a very brief look of sadness cross Gabrielle's face
before her smile once again returned. Glancing down, he noticed that
Gabrielle's costume was made of red velvet and not only exposed her lovely
stomach but it also had a very plunging neckline. Reaching out, James took a
long drink from the port tankard and, to keep from staring, looked back at
Xena. "So what's with the dress up routine?" he asked her, his voice
a little hoarse from the port.
"Did you know
that Autolycus is getting married?" Gabrielle asked him.
"Yeah, he sent
me a message asking me to be his best man and to look up something in Athene's
library," he answered, looking back at the beautiful Bard that was still
sitting in his lap.
"He wanted you
to look up information on the Adoniad, didn't he?" Xena asked.
"Yeah. So, why
are you two dressed like this?" he asked, giving a long look at Xena's
attire.
"Xena thinks
there's more behind this than Autolycus just deciding that he wants to get
married. So, we're looking into it, and Xena isn't exactly popular around here
because of the Battle of Corinth," Gabrielle said as she leaned closer to
his ear.
James gulped and
looked over to see Xena frowning. He had no idea if it was at him, or at
Gabrielle for getting a little too much into her 'working girl' act.
Gabrielle, moving a
little further away from him, but still sitting on his lap, reached out and
pulled the bowl of stew over to her. "Are you going to eat this?"
"You're not
going to tell me that you want it, are you?" James asked her in surprise.
"No way! I'd
rather eat Argo's oats before I ate this stuff," the Bard said with a
shudder and pushed the bowl away again.
James reached into
his pocket and pulled out an apple. "I don't have any oats, but how about
an apple?" he said, showing it to her. She nodded eagerly. Placing the
apple on the table, he reached down into his boot and pulled out a wicked
looking dagger and sliced the apple into pieces and gave Gabrielle a piece.
Gabrielle grabbed the
piece of apple and, moving closer to his chest, started eating it with great
enjoyment.
Xena reached out and,
taking the dagger, examined it. It had the symbol of Ares on it, but the symbol
was surrounded by a snake and it appeared that the snake was squeezing the
symbol to death. "Inimicles'?" she asked with a quirk of an eyebrow.
"Yes. It was the
only thing that I saved from his clothing. Not being much of a fighter, I
didn't own a knife, so I thought why throw it away? It might come in handy for
cutting rope, an apple, or" he said, looking at the stew bowl a few feet
away, "maybe even a stew."
Xena handed the
dagger back, hilt first. "Be careful with that. Remember, you're in
Inimicles' body. If anyone finds that, they'll take it as proof that you are
Inimicles."
Gabrielle continued
to munch on the apple and make sounds of pleasure.
Looking around, James
noticed that the other men in the tavern were glaring at him. Suddenly, he
realized that from the distance it would look like she was nibbling on his neck
and he started to blush.
Xena, with a slight
quirk of her lips into a smile, suddenly jumped to her feet and yelled out loud
enough to be heard all over the tavern, "I wouldn't have minded it being
the three of us, but you wanted to let the owl watch, too. You are really sick!
You know that?"
James' face now
furiously blushing, he looked at the equally stunned Gabrielle. It was when he
saw a devilishly wicked smile come over her face that he knew his embarrassment
was not over yet.
Gabrielle leapt to
her feet and yelled, "I wouldn't have minded the owl watching, but you
wouldn't have needed stretch there as well. I'm more woman than you could have
handled!"
James sat for a
moment, with his face getting redder by the second, and then got to his feet
and made a motion for the owl, who was shaking so hard from repressed laughter
it looked like he was having a fit, to fly up and get on his shoulder. After
the owl, which flew kind of shaky, landed on his shoulder, he turned to look at
Gabrielle and Xena standing together. "I should have known that I couldn't
find sophisticated enough women in this dump of a tavern to suit my refined
tastes," he said with a slight smile, enjoying the fact that the smile on
Gabrielle's face had been replaced with a slight frown and a blush of her own.
As he walked by Xena,
he said in a low voice he knew she could hear, "See you at the
castle?" She gave the barest of nods and the corner of her mouth turned up
in a slight smile.
As he was lead into
the throne room by one of the castle's staff, James could see the owl sitting
on his right shoulder looking around. "Nice place. A bit drafty, but, all
in all, nice," the owl whispered into his ear.
The servant stopping
at the doors to the throne room, proclaimed in a loud voice, "The Bard
James of the XenaVerse Complex." He then made a motion for him to continue
on in and quickly closed the doors behind him as he left.
As he entered James
could see two people sitting on obvious thrones. He knew from the scroll that
he had borrowed from Athena's library that they must be the current King
Bastian and his Queen Lena. Standing next to the king was a man in expensive
clothing, eyeing him suspiciously.
James bowed low to
the King and Queen and felt the owl flap its wings trying to keep his balance.
"Your Majesties." As he rose from the bow, he could see the Queen
frowning at him.
"We generally do
not allow pets inside the royal castle," she said in a cold voice.
"But your
Majesty, this is not an ordinary pet. This owl saved me from a pack of wild
wolves and has been my constant companion since then," he said, deciding
to keep the fact that the owl was Athena's trusted assistant quiet.
The Queen replaced
her slightly hostile glare for a curious one. "I would like to hear how a
owl saved you from a pack wolves."
James could see out
of the corner of his eye as the owl turned to look at him with a look on his
face that practically laughed "This ought to be good."
"While traveling
from one city to another to apply my barding skills, I was caught between towns
by the fall of night. So, I found myself a good camping site and had just
started to make camp when I heard a noise like Hades' dog Cerberus growling at
me. Looking up I saw that I was surrounded by hungry wolves. Not being much of
a fighter, I prepared myself to die. The leader of the pack of wolves moved
forward from the rest, I suppose to claim the kill for himself, and that was
when I heard it," he said weaving the fantasy from his mind as fast as he
could.
"What?" the
Queen said, leaning slightly forward on her throne.
"The sound of
flapping wings. With a mighty screech the owl flew right into the face of the
wolf pack's leader. With its talons ripping at the wolf's eyes, the owl was
screeching like the fallen harpies in Hades' kingdom all the time. As soon as
the leader fell back, the owl launched itself at the other wolves till they all
ran off with their tails between their legs. So you can see why I beg you to
allow me to keep the owl with me, your Highness," he finished with a
hopeful look on his face.
The Queen sat back on
to her throne and said, "Well, of course we shall make allowances this one
time for such a noble bird."
Again, James saw the
owl out of the corner of his eye raise one feathered eyebrow as if to say
"Not bad."
The Queen then asked
him, "Why are you here?"
"I received a
message from my good friend Autolycus that he was getting
married and he asked
for me to come to be his best man."
The Queen nodded her
head and then looked to her husband.
James turned his
attention to the King and saw that he was in what appeared to be a whispered
argument with the man standing beside him.
The King finally
looked up and, watching him suspiciously, said, "One of my most trusted
advisors here, Lord Vantys," he said, gesturing at the man beside him,
"was pointing out that you seem to match a description of a vicious
warlord named Inimicles that has been circulating about lately."
"Me? Your Majesty,
I swear to you that I am just a simple bard named James," he said with a
sinking feeling in his stomach.
"A bard named
James?" the King said thoughtfully. "Would you be that bard that was
almost executed by the King of Tyrees in the north part of Greece about eight
summers ago?"
Feeling his face
start to blush, James answered with a sheepish look, "Yeah, that's me. Are
they still telling that story?"
Suddenly, the King
started to chuckle to the amazement of his wife and Lord Vantys.
Bastian, noticing the
looks he was getting from his queen and Lord Vantys, kept chuckling and then
made a motion with his hand at him. "Please, tell my wife the story."
Feeling his face get
even hotter with embarrassment, he began the tale: "I was traveling
through some rural area near Tyrees eight summers ago, when I heard stories
going around about a young woman named Salren who was being very free with her
charms with the men in the area. Some of the stories were so funny that I made
a point of memorizing them and planned to use them when the chance presented
itself. Reaching the city of Tyrees, I found a tavern and was surprised when
the people there asked me if I knew any stories about the woman named Salren. I
admitted that I did and, at their urging, I started to tell some of the more
humorous ones. I should have known that something was wrong when the people in
the tavern began laughing so hard that some of them fell off their chairs, but
I was a young bard then and I only thought that I was doing a good job in my
storytelling. Suddenly, the whole tavern went silent in the midst of one of the
more rowdy stories about Salren and I looked up to see the King's guards
standing at the doorway."
The Queen, her eyes
growing wide, said, "You are not going to tell me that Salren was the
King's daughter, the Princess, are you?"
"Um, no,
actually, Salren turned out to be the King's wife. The Queen of Tyrees,"
he said, wishing, even after all this time, that he could crawl under a rock
and hide.
The Queen's lips
started to quirk into a smile but she quickly regained control of herself. The
King, however, began to laugh harder than ever.
"The old King of
Tyrees never even wondered at his wife going off into the country side so much.
She told him it was to hunt game."
Even Lord Vantys was
finding it hard not to grin at the story.
The Queen reached out
and touched her husband on the arm, trying to get him to regain control. She
glanced down at James and asked, "What happened next?"
James took a deep
breath and began again: "They took me and threw me into the dungeon and
the King of Tyrees proclaimed a death sentence on me for daring to insult his
Queen's honor. With someone's help I was able to get out of the dungeon and
escape their kingdom and I have never went back," he finished in a rush.
The Queen looked at
him suspiciously. "Who helped you to escape?"
"Um, ah, it was
Salren herself," he replied, dreading the next question that he knew was
coming.
"Why would she
help you to escape?" Queen Lena asked him in surprise. She had been
certain that the young bard was going to say that the King of Thieves had
helped him to escape.
"Actually, she
came down to the dungeon because she thought I was good looking and wanted to,
um, ah, 'talk', and it was only afterward that she helped me to escape,"
he said, certain that his face could not get any redder.
"Um, Oh!"
the Queen said, her own face blushing slightly.
The King turned to
look at Lord Vantys. "I am convinced that this man is not the warlord you
thought he was. He tells too good a tale for one thing, and for the second, a
warlord would not blush so about 'talking' his way out of a execution."
Just then the doors
opened behind him and James could hear someone quietly walking up behind him.
Not wanting to take his eyes off of the King or Queen for fear of angering
them, he waited nervously to see who it was.
As the young woman
passed him on her way to the thrones of the King and Queen, James felt his
heart race. She was a beautiful, graceful woman. She walked up to the foot of
the thrones and said, "Mother, father, I have heard that one of Auto's
friends has arrived at the palace." She turned and, glancing at the bard,
gave a brilliant smile. "Is this him?"
"Yes, my dear.
This is the Bard James. He says that Autolycus wants him to be his best man for
the wedding," the Queen told her daughter.
James noticed that at
the mention of the wedding Lord Vantys grimaced slightly.
The Princess' face
lit up with a large smile and, stepping closer, she placed her hand on James'
arm. "Great! He can tell me some stories of my little Autokins. Auto is so
shy about his past with me."
"I am sure that
James has had a long and hard journey to get here so fast," Lord Vantys
said. "After all, the invitations were only sent a few days ago. Do you
know if any of Autolycus' other friends from the XenaVerse Complex will be
arriving soon?"
It was because of
events like what had happened to him at Tyrees that James had learned and
developed his instincts about an audience, and right then his instincts were
telling him that there was more to Lord Vantys' simple question than met the
eye.
"Oh, I am sure
that they will be here. They all love a party and would not let Autolycus down.
I was just lucky to get here first," he answered with a smile on his face
but a nagging suspicion that something was wrong in his heart.
"Do you know if
Autolycus' good friend Xena will be here?" Lord Vantys
continued in a far
too casual manner.
James noticed that at
the mention of Xena's name the King and Queen tensed slightly. `Uh oh,' he
thought to himself. "Well, you never really know with Xena. She travels so
much...but I am sure if she gets the invitation she will be here," he
replied. Looking away from Lord Vantys, he noticed that the Princess was still beside
him with her hand still on his arm.
Lord Vantys leaned
over and whispered something to King Bastian, who nodded his head. Looking up,
the King said, "Damara, why don't you let James go to his room to rest a
while before dinner? He can talk to you and Autolycus then."
The Princess gave a
small pout before smiling and agreeing.
The King then called
for a servant, who led the bard away from the throne room.
---------------------------
Autolycus entered the
main dining hall, the lovely Princess Damara on his arm, and broke into a wide
smile at the sight of his friend. "James!" he said, clasping the
bard's forearm in a warrior's handshake. "Why didn't you tell me you were
here, you rascal?"
"We wanted to
surprise you, darling," Damara grinned, although her gaze drifted over to
James.
"Well, you
certainly succeeded in doing that, my little peach pit. Do you have any other
surprises, or can we eat now?" the former King of Thieves asked playfully.
"Oh, you!"
the Princess scolded.
"So, when did
you arrive?" Auto asked as the trio walked over to the enormous table,
where the King and Queen were seated and waiting patiently.
"We arrived
earlier this afternoon," James replied, looking at his friend, but his
eyes had a tendency to wander over to the Princess.
"We?" Autolycus
questioned.
"I brought my
owl, of course," the bard said, straining to signal to Auto to play along
without raising the Princess' suspicions.
"Your...owl..."
Auto said slowly. James nodded vigorously. "Oh, your owl! Yes, of course.
And how is the old rat-trap?"
"He's fine. A
bit tired from the trip and so he's up in my room," he replied after
sighing with relief.
"Actually,
father absolutely forbade him from bringing the owl to dinner," Damara
revealed, giggling. "I could tell he was furious by the way he was jumping
up and down and hissing."
"Your
father?" Auto asked incredulously.
"No, silly, the
owl," she corrected with a gentle laugh as she sat down in the chair being
held for her by a servant. When Auto and James began walking to where their
place settings were, directly across from the Princess, she shook her head.
"James, dear, you sit next to me," she said, turning and favoring him
with a dazzling smile. A servant jumped to move the bard's dishes and glass.
"I can't wait to hear more stories about my dear Autokins."
King Bastian and
Queen Lena greeted Autolycus and then bade the attendants to serve dinner
before resuming their own private conversation.
"More
stories?" Autolycus questioned as he sat down opposite the Princess.
"I've been
keeping James company and he's been telling me the most wicked stories about
you all afternoon," she laughed, placing a hand affectionately over the
bard's.
"I see. So,
James, just what have you been telling my
fiancée?" Auto asked, stressing the last two words.
Before James could
answer, the main door burst open and Lord Vantys entered, followed by two
figures in brightly colored hooded robes.
"Vantys, what's
the meaning of this interruption?" Bastian demanded.
"Forgive me,
highness, my queen, Princess, but these travelers just arrived and insisted on
being brought to Autolycus at once," Lord Vantys explained nervously.
"And, given who they are..." His voice trailed off as he noticed that
the bard was not only seated next to the Princess, but that her hand was upon
his.
"Yes, Lord
Vantys?" the Queen prompted. "Who are they?"
Suddenly, both
strangers threw back their hoods, revealing Xena and Gabrielle, except that
Xena was wearing a thick blonde wig and Gabrielle was wearing a curly brunette
one, and neither was clad in their customary clothing. Xena had on a bright
colored gown that made her look a bit on the heavy side while Gabrielle's
tight-fitting dress of lavender highlighted her every curve. Also, both women
were wearing enough make-up to choke Argo.
Autolycus opened his
mouth, and James could practically hear the word "Xena" leap from his
lips. Before Auto could utter a sound, however, the bard gave him a swift kick
in the shin.
"Ow!"
exclaimed the startled former thief.
"That's hardly
the greeting I expected from my favorite nephew, Autolycus!" Xena
exclaimed, rushing toward the confused man. But she didn't sound much like
Xena; at least, not the Xena that Auto knew. "Come'ere and give your
Auntie Philomena a big hug!"
Autolycus screwed up
his mouth thoughtfully. "Aunt Philomena?" he questioned, rising as
she got near.
"You raise a boy
after his mother, my sister--Zeus rest her soul--dies, slave over him, provide
him with the best you can, and this is how he repays you: By forgetting you!"
Xena said dramatically, looking over at the King and Queen. "Kids!"
Bastian and Lena
nodded sympathetically as she hugged Autolycus close and hissed, "I'll
explain later. Just go along with it!" In a much louder voice, she said,
"And I suppose you've forgotten your cousin Mavis, too? Come over here and
say hello to your cousin Autolycus, Mavis, dear."
Gabrielle scowled a
bit but quickly smiled and said, "Yes, mother."
"A beautiful
girl, but she has the brains of her father--May he rot in Tartarus!" Xena
spat as Gabrielle walked by.
King Bastian and
Queen Lena rose and walked over to the newcomers, hands
extended.
"Welcome to our castle, Philomena," the Queen said as they lightly
held hands. "It's a pleasure to meet some of dear Auto's family at long last.
You and I must make some time to get to know each other so you can tell me all
about what a bad little boy he was."
"Thank you, your
highness," Xena replied with a plastic smile. "I've got plenty of
stories about this young man, believe me. Oh, isn't he just the cutest
thing?" she asked, grabbing Auto's cheeks and pinching them painfully.
"Who would've thought that such an ugly child would grow up to be so
adorable?"
Autolycus pulled away
and rubbed his cheeks, glaring at Xena.
"He's quite the
charmer, too, or he would never have won the heart of my dear Damara,"
Bastian said, briefly shaking Xena's hand. "I suppose he got that from
you?"
"Oh, you naughty
boy!" Xena exclaimed in mock-horror. "And right in front of your
wife. I can tell who wears the crown in this kingdom."
"Don't be too
sure about that," Lena said, but it was impossible to tell if she was
entirely joking or not. "Come, let's all sit down before this wonderful
meal gets too cold to enjoy. You will sit next to me, of course." She took
Xena's arm and led her to the head of the table, where the servants had already
set out a plate and glass for her.
"You and I shall
have to become friends as well," Damara said, rising and clasping
Gabrielle's hands. "I want to hear how awful Autokins was to you when you
were little."
"Oh, he was
awful, all right, Princess," the Bard smiled. "Man, was he
awful!"
"Please, call me
Damara. After all, we're practically family," she pointed out, circling
her arm around Gabby's shoulders and leading her to where a place had been set
for her next to Autolycus.
The former King of
Thieves, looking more confused and miserable than ever, looked from Xena to
Gabrielle, and then from Gabrielle to Xena, and finally back at Gabrielle
before sighing and resuming his chair.
Lord Vantys was about
to leave the cheerful reunion when he suddenly noticed that James' face was
bright red. He quickly made his way over to the bard, thinking he must be
choking on something, and discovered that tears were streaming from his eyes.
"Are you all
right, James?" he asked, tapping him on the shoulder.
James practically
jumped out of his skin. "What?" he blurted out, fighting to stifle
the laughter welling up inside him.
"I thought you
were choking. Your face is quite red," Vantys said, looking at him
suspiciously.
"No, it's just
such a happy occasion. They haven't seen each other for ages," James
gasped out. "I'll be all right in a minute." He then removed a
kerchief from his pocket and wiped the tears from his face and then loudly blew
his nose. "Really. I will."
"Of course. I
suppose this will make a fine story," Vantys mused as he walked from the
hall disgustedly.
"You have no
idea!" James giggled to himself. "No idea at all!"
---------------------------
After the royal
dinner party, James found himself being escorted down the corridor toward my
room by the princess, one arm through his and her other through Autolycus' arm.
Right behind them was Xena and Gabrielle in their disguises. And walking far
behind was Lord Vantys.
Reaching the door to
the bard's room, James turned and said goodnight.
"But it is still
quite early!" the Princess said, refusing to release his arm immediately.
"I was planning on going for a moonlight stroll in the garden with Auto
here and isn't it the job of the best man to be a chaperon?" she asked
with a smile.
"Well, I wasn't
planning on going to sleep right away, but I have to feed my owl. He must be
starving by now," he said, raising a good-sized bag that the castle
kitchen staff had made up for the owl. His fictional story about how the owl
had saved him from the wolves had made a circuit of the castle and the kitchen
help had made an extra special package up for the noble, brave' owl. `He's
going to eat better than I did again,' James thought to himself.
"Perhaps Aunt
Philomena and Mavis would like to go with you as chaperons?" he suggested
with just the slightest smirk on his face.
Autolycus frowned at
his friend and quickly looked back at Xena and Gabrielle. The devilish look on
Gabrielle's face made him very worried, especially after some of the stories
that Gabrielle had made up about him when he was a young man.
"I imagine that
Aunt Philomena and Mavis have to leave now so that they will be able to find a
room at an inn for the night," Autolycus said, raising his eyebrow at
Xena.
The Warrior Princess
smiled a sugary smile at Autolycus and said, "Didn't your Auntie remember
to tell you? The King has offered me and Mavis a room here at the castle. Since
we're family and all. It was agreed at dinner. It's right next door to James
here, if I'm not mistaken?" Xena said, glancing back to where Lord Vantys
was standing in the hallway.
"Um, yes. It is
the next door down the hallway," Lord Vantys confirmed, moving closer to
the group.
"Thank you, Lord
Pantys," Gabrielle said with a sweet innocent look on her face.
"That is Lord
Vantys, with a `V', dear lady," the noble said with an icy look at
Gabrielle.
"Oh, don't mind
her. She has always had a bad time with names. Just like her addlepated
father--May he rot in Tartarus!" Xena said and then made a spitting
motion.
"Well, I guess
it will be all right walking in the garden with your aunt and cousin to
chaperon us," Damara said with a whole lot less enthusiasm than she did
when she suggested James.
"Oh, I'm sorry,
dearie. We were hoping to talk to James tonight. We hear so little about our
darling Auto here and you know how shy he is about talking about himself so we
were hoping that James could fill us in on what he has been doing lately,"
Xena finished with another plastic smile.
Autolycus started to
smile with relief when James added with another almost smirk, "Perhaps
Lord Vantys wouldn't mind walking with you as chaperon?"
Lord Vantys' face had
a sour look on it; the last thing he wanted to do was watch Damara having a
romantic walk in the garden with another man, but, at the same time, there was
no way that he was going to allow Autolycus to walk with her without some kind
of chaperon. "I would, of course, be glad to chaperon," he said with
a thin, forced smile.
James opened the door
to his room and watched as Damara and a now sour-faced Autolycus walked by with
Lord Vantys following closely behind them. He waited till they were out of
sight around a bend in the corridor before shutting the door. Xena and
Gabrielle had entered the room before him and as he shut the door, Gabrielle
burst out laughing. "Did you see the look on Auto's face when I told
Damara about how he used to steal my dollies? It was priceless!"
The owl, which had
been watching all this quietly, suddenly started talking. "I suppose that
with all of you out there having fun, no one thought to bring the poor owl
anything to eat?"
James sat the bag of
food on the table in the room and, opening it wide, said, "The kitchen
staff hopes that the `noble and brave' owl will find this to his liking."
The owl hopped across
the table to where the bag rested and sighed with pleasure when he saw the
roasted pigeons, quail eggs and other assorted delicacies that were in the bag.
"Did you see how
Auto wanted to crawl under the table when James started telling that story
about Auto and Salmoneus dressing up like showgirls?" Gabrielle laughed
again as she pulled off her wig and shook her red golden hair out.
"I noticed that
Autolycus' fiancée spent most of the evening looking at James rather than
him," Xena said with a frown. "And I noticed that James spent a great
deal of time looking at her," she finished, looking at the bard.
"Don't be silly,
Xena. She was asking me to tell stories about Auto, I had to look at her to
talk to her," he answered.
The owl, who having
taken a break from stuffing himself, glanced across the room at James.
"You're not falling for another unattainable woman, are you?"
"What
unattainable women?" Gabrielle asked the bird curiously.
"Well, there was
the Goddess Discord," the owl answered.
"Be careful that
you don't choke on a bone in the pigeons!" James growled at the owl from
across the room.
The bird chuckled for
a moment and then continued, "Now you seem to say that James is developing
a crush on the Princess and I think he had something for Athene for a while
and, of course, there was Ga..." The owl, suddenly realizing who he was
gossiping with, started to cough at almost telling Gabrielle that James had a
crush on her.
"Who?"
Gabrielle asked, moving closer to the choking owl.
"The owl thinks
that I have a crush on one of the Amazons at the complex that I have a drinking
contest with. He was going to say the 'game Amazon'. Were you not?" James
said glaring daggers at the owl. "That's his name for the Amazon I drink
with," he added as he moved over to the window and looked out.
"Umph! If you
call that drinking with the Amazons," the owl snorted quietly.
"What do you
mean?" Xena asked, moving over to the table where the owl was standing.
"Well, I have
been flying up to the window when James goes over to the Pun & Pub Party
Palace for the Amazon parties, and he always goes to a dark corner and drinks
alone till he can barely stand up and then he goes back to his room. I have
never even seen him talk to an Amazon at a party since he got back to the
complex."
Xena glanced over to
where James was standing at the window with a sad, depressed look on his face.
Not being one for subtlety, she called out to him, "It's because you feel
guilty being attracted to other women when Troya is waiting for you in the
Elysian Fields, isn't it? You think that you are cheating on her whenever you
feel any attraction for a woman?"
She could see by the
way that James jumped that she had hit a nerve. Xena's face softened as she saw
how depressed he was. "You have to get over this, James. Troya would not
want you to spend the rest of your life depressed and alone. She will
understand if you find another woman to be with while you are alive. You don't
need to feel guilty."
"Okay. How about
I feel guilty because I am attracted to one of my best friend's loves?"
James asked out loud still staring out the window.
The owl raised an
eyebrow, wondering if he was referring to Autolycus and Damara...or to Xena and
Gabrielle.
James shook himself a
little and then moved away from the window and walked over to the table where
Xena and Gabrielle were waiting. "We need to worry about what Autolycus is
planning and forget my problems."
"You think that
Autolycus isn't really interested in Damara, don't you?" Gabrielle asked.
"I'm not sure. I
haven't had a chance to really talk to Auto since I got here, but I don't think
he's as much in love as he wants us to think. He used to tell me about this
woman he met called Cupcake and his eyes would glow when he talked about her. I
just haven't seen that look in his eyes when he talks to or about Damara,"
he finished, glancing at Xena to see her reaction.
Xena nodded her head.
"There is definitely more going on here than meets the eye. Gabrielle put
your wig back on. We might as well go to our room and wait and see what
tomorrow brings."
Gabrielle pulled her
hair back up and placed the wig on her head. Checking her look in a mirror on
the wall she sighed. "Can't we at least take this makeup off when we
sleep? I feel like I am walking around with a ton of mud on my face."
Xena shook her head.
"No, we have to stay in character the whole time we're here so no one gets
suspicious." Seeing the miserable look on Gabrielle's face, Xena patted
her on the back. "I'll make this up to you when this is over."
Gabrielle smiled
briefly and asked, "Maybe a trip to the islands?"
"We'll
see," Xena said with a smile of her own as they walked out the door and
shut it behind them.
James turned from
watching them leave and asked the owl, "Can this get any more
complicated?"
The owl, instead of
answering, just let his eyes widen real large and made a squawking noise.
Turning around, James
found himself a hairsbreadth away from the Goddess
Discord.
"Discord! What
are you doing here?!" he asked backing up into the table behind him.
"Well, I heard
that someone had a crush on me and I just had to see if I approved,"
Discord said as she moved closer to me and placed a hand on his chest.
Slipping out from
Discord's touch, James moved around the room keeping his eyes on the evil
Goddess. Bumping backward into the bed, he sat down
suddenly.
"Hmm, not bad
for a mortal," Discord purred as she started to stalk toward him.
"How about, for
a change, you tell me the truth, Discord?" James asked as he started to
scoot across the bed backwards, placing it between him and the Goddess.
Discord stopped and
said with a frown, "Tell the truth? Sounds kinky. All right, the truth.
Ares wanted me to try and seduce you into working for him."
"Why would Ares
want me to work for him? I mean, I understood it when Ares wanted me to work
for him when I had the metal body that Hephaestos forged; it would have made an
unstoppable warrior. But why now? All I have now is this body." Suddenly,
his eyes widened with understanding. "The body of Inimicles the warlord. A
man that vowed to destroy Ares. Inimicles rises again but this time serving
Ares. Ares gets his reputation back as being the patron God of all warriors and
Inimicles' army rushes back to join their leader. It's a good plan, except for
one thing: I am not interested in working for Ares."
Discord shrugged.
"I told Ares it wouldn't work, but the seduction part sounded
interesting."
"Well, you can
go back to Ares and tell him that it is no go," James said, trying to not
stare at Discord's black leather costume.
"Oh, Ares is all
wrapped up in a war that he stirred up far from here," Discord said as she
started moving toward him again.
"A war? Lots of
places to sow the seeds of Discord there. You better rush back," he said
as he continued to scoot around on the bed trying to stay as far away from
Discord as he could.
"I don't know.
There are plenty of places to sow the seeds of discord, as you say, at a wedding,
too," Discord said as she disappeared in a flash of light.
Breathing a sigh of
relief, James looked over to where the owl still stood on the table.
"That is one
scary and, at the same time, sexy Goddess!"
The owl only snorted
at James' taste in women.
---------------------------
Autolycus and the
Princess, under the watchful eyes of Lord Vantys, strolled through the
maze-like rows of colored flowers, quietly talking.
"You seem quite
taken with my friend James," Auto said casually.
"He's very charming,"
Damara nodded, smiling mischievously. "You're not jealous, are you, my
darling Autokins?"
"Never. Should I
be?" he suddenly asked.
"Of course not.
I love only you, and you know it," she said, gazing up at him.
"And I love only
you," he replied, stroking the curve of her cheek with his fingers.
"Oh, this is
just too much!" Discord gagged, flashing into existence in front of the
pair. "You? Love her? Hardly. Want her, I could believe, but love her? Not
in a million years!"
Autolycus was about to
step in front of the Princess, to shield her from the evil Goddess, when he
suddenly realized that she hadn't moved. In fact, she didn't so much as blink
when he waved his hand in front of her eyes. "Neat trick," nodded the
King of Thieves. "I don't suppose you could teach it to me, it would come
in handy in my line of work."
"Well, at least
you're finally admitting that this whole retirement thing is just a scam,"
the Goddess grinned, running her black nails along Auto's exposed chest.
"No point lying to
you. Why the icicle treatment?" he gestured toward the Princess and Lord
Vantys, who was likewise frozen.
"I wanted to
have a private chat with you, to let you know that I haven't forgotten about
you and Iolaus turning me into a chicken," she said, smiling in a way that
made the King of Thieves extremely nervous.
"Iolaus was the
one who actually fired that arrow that changed you, I just happened to be
there," Auto quickly pointed out.
"You gave him
Artemis' Bow!" Discord hissed, digging her nails into his flesh. "But
don't worry about Iolaus, I haven't forgotten about him. As for you, though...I
know why you're here, and Xena will figure it out before too long, too. The
only question is: Which will cause you more anguish? The theft you've worked so
hard for, which will restore your reputation as the undisputed King of Thieves,
but only at the cost of this cow's trust and devotion," she gestured
disdainfully at the frozen Princess, "or the foiling of your plan, which
will leave your thiefly reputation lacking, but allow you to remain a good man
at heart. It's your dual nature that dooms you either way, Autolycus. I'm just
trying to figure out how to exploit this to my advantage."
"My dual
nature...Oh, just like you're both a bitch and...Whoops, my mistake. I forgot
you don't have a dual nature," he shrugged, but despite the customary
smirk, his eyes glinted with anger.
"I consider that
a compliment," the Goddess giggled.
"You
would," Auto said harshly.
"Don't push me
too far, Autolycus, or I may decide to take more drastic measures as a means to
achieving your distress...except that you might just welcome them at this
point," she laughed cruelly and then disappeared in a brilliant flash of
smoke and lightning.
Autolycus blinked and
realized that he was standing next to Damara, and that his chest was free of
scratch marks.
"That's so
sweet," the Princess smiled, reaching up and kissing him chastely on the
cheek.
"Don't rub it
in," Auto said under his breath.
"Pardon?"
"Don't rub it
in...that we must soon part for the night, my beloved," he said quickly.
She nodded, slightly
puzzled, and then saw Lord Vantys approaching. "I fear our parting is
imminent, darling," she sighed.
"Princess,
Autolycus, the air is turning a bit chilly. Perhaps you should turn in for the
night," he said it in such a way as to make very clear to the King of
Thieves that it was anything but a suggestion.
"Oh, Lord
Vantys, just a little while longer. If you're concerned about my being cold,
you could always offer me your jacket," she added slyly.
Lord Vantys scowled
slightly as he noted that Autolycus wasn't wearing a jacket or coat of any
kind, but that he also didn't appear to be the least bit cold. "Of course,
Princess," he replied, removing his thick jacket, revealing a flimsy silk
shirt beneath. He handed it to her and watched with frustration as Autolycus
helped her into it. "Just let me know when you're ready to retire,
Princess."
"Say, maybe you
should run in and get something hot to drink," Auto said, barely concealing
a grin. "You're shivering."
"Nonsense. I'll
be fine until the two of you are finished," he snapped, walking away and
leaving the pair alone.
"Why aren't you
cold?" the Princess asked Auto suspiciously.
"I'm not
sure," he shrugged, taking her arm and continuing their promenade through
the garden. "I rarely notice the cold. I suppose it could have something
to do with my semi-divine nature..."
They both laughed and
then sat on one of the benches and gazed up at the moon for what seemed like
seconds to them, but hours to Lord Vantys. Finally, however, just before Vantys
lost all feeling in the toes of his right foot, they got up and walked past
him, heading toward the castle.
Lord Vantys sighed
and slapped himself on the shoulders a couple of times before trying to rise
from his own bench. Apparently, however, there had been some moisture on the
bench and it had frozen to his pants, trapping him.
He looked expectantly
for Autolycus or the Princess to return, once they noticed he hadn't followed
them, but neither appeared. He reluctantly opened his mouth to call for
help...only to discover that the cold had parched his throat to the point where
all he could manage was a soft squeak. Desperate, he placed his hands firmly on
the bench, determined to rip his pants off if he must to free himself, but the
sweat on his hands instantly froze to the cold stone of the bench.
Lord Vantys stomped
his feet angrily--The only thing he could do--and continued to try to call for
help.
Discord, chuckling
evilly to herself, disappeared from the area this time, and not just from
mortal sight.
It wasn't until the
moon was high in the night sky that a patrol finally discovered the frozen form
of Lord Vantys. They ended up having to bring the entire stone bench into the
castle and placing it in front of the roaring fire in the grand dining hall for
nearly half an hour before the man could be removed from his seat. Then, as his
teeth chattered uncontrollably, he was force-fed cup after steaming cup of hot
beer until the blue color had faded from his face and hands and he was able to
speak without biting his tongue off.
At long last, he was
recovered sufficiently from his chilling ordeal to crawl into the warmth of his
bed...after pulling several extra blankets down from storage and piling them
atop his regular ones.
He fell into a fitful
slumber and dreamed of erupting volcanoes...into which he gleefully tossed
Autolycus.
---------------------------
As James strolled
through the hallways toward the dinning hall for breakfast, he paused at one of
the windows and looked out at the garden. It was a bright clear, crisp morning.
The kind that made you feel glad to be alive and he could hear the owl on his
shoulder humming just under his breath, showing that he felt it, too.
As he entered the
dinning hall, his attention was drawn by a loud sneeze to the end of the table
where Lord Vantys sat with a scowl on his face. He was wrapped in a heavy cloak
and kept drinking some kind of hot beverage, from the looks of steam coming off
of his cup.
"Good morning,
Lord Vantys," James said cheerfully.
Vantys just grunted
and, with a scowl and shivering, pulled his cloak more tightly around him.
"I don't know what's so good about it. Last night was freezing and the day
doesn't look like it is going to warm up that much either," Lord Vantys
growled.
Turning his head to
look at the owl, James raised an eyebrow in a silent question. The owl just
shrugged his feathered shoulders showing that he did not get it either.
"I did not
notice it being all that cold last night," he said as he pulled a chair
out and sat down.
Lord Vantys grunted
again and then, as he looked more closely at the bard, his eyes grew wide.
"You brought that dirty bird into the royal dinning hall?"
"Oh, please,
Lord Vantys. My owl is not dirty. He is a very clean bird. Besides, I can't
leave him locked up in my room all day. He is used to being out and about. Not
to mention that I do have to feed him once in a while," he replied
sharply.
The owl ruffled his
feathers and James could hear him mutter, "Dirty indeed! Oh, and by the
way, you don't feed me as often as I think you should either!"
James raised the
eyebrow nearest the owl and he quickly settled down.
Reaching over, the
bard examined the food that was already laid out on the table. Figs, apples and
bowls of oatmeal. He picked up a fig and offered it to the owl. Raising one
feathered eyebrow, he rotated his head side to side in an angry `no' gesture.
James was wondering
what else he could offer the owl for breakfast when Lord Vantys suddenly broke
the silence that had descended on the room by loudly banging his fist on the
table.
He glanced sharply at
him, wondering what was going on now, when out of the corner of his eye he saw
a young female servant appear at the doorway. She frowned at Lord Vantys and
then, looking in his direction, flashed a brilliant smile and said in a loud
voice, "There he is!" and promptly disappeared around the doorway
once again.
James looked at the
obviously confused and irritated Lord Vantys and saw that he did not know what
was going on either.
The servant
reappeared a few moments later carrying a large tray toward him. Placing the
tray on the table she started cautiously to stroke the owl's feathers.
"Oh, he is as noble and beautiful a bird as I heard that he was!"
James could feel the
owl as he stretched to his full height under the woman's attention and he could
swear he could hear him purr. He reached out and lifted the cover that was over
the tray and found himself looking at roasted quail and small quail eggs.
"The kitchen
staff thought that would be more to the liking of your owl than the other
breakfast things we usually serve," the woman said with a final scratch of
the owl's head.
The owl turned his
head to look James in the eye, chuckled quietly and then flew over to the tray
and delicately started to nibble on one of the quail.
Lord Vantys brought
his fist down on the table again with a loud bang, causing his bowl of oatmeal
to bounce and spill out on to the table.
"Servant! I need
more hot wine. Now!"
James could see the
serving woman grimace at his loud tone and immediately replied, "Yes, my
Lord, right away!" and hurried off.
Even though he was a
guest in the castle, James started to turn and remind Lord Vantys of his manners
when he saw Princess Damara enter the room.
Lord Vantys
appearance and manners changed immediately. He sat up straighter and his surly
attitude disappeared in a flash to be replace with a warm smile. "Princess
Damara! I hope that you slept peacefully last night?"
The Princess smiled
at him. "When I finally could get to sleep. I can't help it, but I am
getting so excited about the upcoming marriage!"
James noticed a scowl
appear on Lord Vantys' face, but he quickly recovered and continued to smile at
the Princess. But the bard could detect that it was now a little strained.
"Every woman
dreams of her marriage, or so I have been told," James said with a smile.
Lord Vantys shot him
a dark look but Princess Damara smiled even more
brightly.
"It will also be
very special to me because I will be allowed to wear the `Star of
Arcadia,'" Princess Damara said with a dreamy look as she sat down at the
table.
James could see the
owl stop eating and cocked his head to the side as he listened.
"The Star of
Arcadia?" the bard asked with a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Yes. It is one
of the largest gems in the known world. It is only brought out of a secret
vault for royal marriages. The last time it was worn was when my mother wore it
at her wedding and soon I will get to wear it for my marriage. It's a tradition
that goes all the way back to the very founding of this kingdom," the
Princess finished with a large smile.
"Um, I should go
up and see if Autolycus' aunt and cousin are ready for breakfast and escort
them down," James said, hastily getting to his feet.
The owl sitting on
the table bobbed his head in agreement and flew to his shoulder.
They started to leave
the dinning room quickly but stopped as the owl whispered into his ear.
"Um, please have the servants leave the owl's breakfast. He'll finish
eating it after we collect Auto's relatives and come back down," he said
and then made his exit from the room.
Princess Damara
looked at Lord Vantys. "That James is such a gentleman to think of
escorting Auto's relatives down to breakfast. Don't you agree?"
Lord Vantys nodded
and then hid his scowl behind his empty mug and wondered what was taking the
servant so long in fetching the hot wine.
As he reached the
room next to his that was assigned to Xena and Gabrielle, James paused for a
moment and looked down the hallway both ways. "Maybe we're overreacting?
It could just be a coincidence that there is a priceless gem here and the only
time it is brought out is when someone gets married?" he whispered to the owl.
The bird snorted and
replied sarcastically, "Yeah, and Ares is known for being a real warm and
caring guy, too! You know the only reason that Auto is here is for that
gem!"
James frowned at the
owl but then gave a slow and unhappy nod. Reaching out, he knocked loudly on
the door.
The owl's eyes grew
wide at the grumbling that was suddenly heard behind the door. "What in
the Tartarus is anyone doing up at this time of the morning?" Gabrielle's
voice could be clearly heard.
"I am going to
go out on a limb here and say that Gabrielle is not a morning person," the
owl whispered.
After a few moments
of the sounds of someone moving around and muttering a few things that even
made James' ears turn red, Gabrielle eventually opened the door. "This had
better be important!" she snarled as she jerked the door open.
Poor Gabrielle was
not wearing her Mavis wig and her own hair was sticking up in all directions
badly and the heavy makeup she was wearing was smeared. All in all, it was not
a good appearance day for the Bard. But she took one look at the serious
expression on his face and gestured for them to enter the room quickly.
"What is
it?" she asked as she sat down at a table that had a large mirror behind
it. Taking a look at herself in the mirror, she grimaced and, grabbing a cloth
on the table, she started to scrub the makeup off her face.
"We were having
breakfast this morning with the Princess when she started to tell us about a
very large, very priceless gem that is only taken out of a secret vault and
worn when a member of royalty gets married," James said, sitting on the
edge of the bed.
"James here
thinks it might just be a coincidence that Auto wants to marry the Princess and
the gem is here," the owl added.
Gabrielle looked at
the man's reflection in the mirror and just snorted, "Yeah, right!"
"Okay! I admit
it was a long shot. I just thought that it would be nice if Auto was really
serious about the Princess and not just playing her for a fool to get his hands
on the gem," he said with a frown.
Gabrielle softened
the look on her face and replied gently, "You're just a hopeless romantic,
aren't you, James?"
To keep from
answering Gabrielle, he looked around and noticed that a very tall and deadly
warrior woman was missing. "Where is Xena?"
"She told me
last night that she was going to be gone this morning when I woke up. She was
going to wander around the castle before many people got up and see if she
could find out where they are going to hold the first Adoniad trial and what
the other tests might be," Gabrielle said as she scrubbed the last of the
heavy makeup off and then looked in distaste at the makeup jars before her.
Sighing, she reached over and started to reapply the makeup. "You are
going to owe me big time for this, Auto," she muttered to herself as she
started to trowel the makeup back onto her face.
Hearing someone at
the door, Gabrielle quickly grabbed her wig and shoved it onto her head and
turned away from the door.
When she saw the
relaxed look on James' face as the person entered, she knew that it must be
Xena and turned around again.
The Warrior Princess
was dressed in her Aunt Philomena costume, heavy makeup and all.
Xena's eyes narrowed
slightly as she saw James sitting on the edge of the bed and asked, "Now
what's wrong?"
"We found out
why Autolycus is really here," he said.
"For the Star of
Arcadia?" Xena asked with a slight smile at the disappointed look on his
face.
James looked over at
Gabrielle, but she just shrugged. "She's always doing that to me, too.
Just when I think I found out something she doesn't know, she pops up with the
information like everyone should know it."
"I got the
information this morning by talking to an old servant. She was more than happy
to talk to me about her memories of the last royal wedding. She says that this
Star of Arcadia was so large and perfect a gem that they had to build a shade
in the court yard to hold the wedding because the gem kept blinding everyone by
reflecting the sun," Xena said as she moved over to Gabrielle's side and
adjusted her wig for her.
The Bard, looking at
Xena's reflection of the mirror, asked, "What are we going to do about
Autolycus?"
"I am tempted to
drag him out of here by his ear and kick his butt all over Greece," Xena
replied calmly.
"Xena, we can't!
It would break the poor princess' heart to find out that Autolycus was just
using her to get to the gem," Gabrielle said quickly.
"Not to mention
that the King and Queen might want to remove his head from his shoulders, too,
for leading their daughter on," Xena added.
"I don't really
think the King or Queen intends for a marriage to take place anyway,"
James said from the bed.
"What makes you
think that?" Xena asked, turning to face him.
"When I arrived
they were very interested if any of Auto's friends from the XenaVerse Complex
were going to be here for the wedding. Especially a certain warrior woman named
Xena. I'm beginning to think the only reason they allowed this to go on this
long is for a chance to capture you," he answered thoughtfully.
Gabrielle turned in
her chair to face her companion. "Xena, did you ever visit here? You know,
back in your Warlord days?"
Xena looked
thoughtful for a moment. "No, I'm sure that I didn't. Arcadia was a rich
kingdom, but too well defended back then." The thoughtful look deepened on
her face and then she added, "But they were allies of Corinth, and I
suppose they might have lost some soldiers in that battle."
"Maybe they just
don't like Warlords. When I arrived they accused me of being Inimicles and were
all for dragging me down to the dungeon. I had to relate an embarrassing story
from my past to convince them that I was just a humble bard," James
revealed.
"What
embarrassing story?" Gabrielle asked, looking interested.
"Never mind. It
is enough just to say that it convinced them that I was who I said I was,"
he replied, shooting a warning look at the owl not to tell Gabrielle that
story.
"Well, this is
all fine and dandy, but the question still remains, how do we keep Auto from
stealing the gem without breaking the heart of the Princess?" the owl
asked from his shoulder, totally ignoring the warning look.
Xena glanced at the
owl. "The way I was planning from the beginning: I will make sure he fails
the Adoniad trials. The Princess will be saddened that he didn't make it but
her sadness will be less than if she knew he never really loved her and was
only after the gem. After Autolycus fails the test he will be escorted to the
city border and asked to never return here again."
"Well,"
James said as he got to his feet, "I told Lord Vantys and the Princess
that I came up here to escort you ladies down to breakfast. So shall we
go?"
"Breakfast..."
Gabrielle said as her stomach growled.
"Don't get too
excited, Gabrielle. The breakfast here has a lot to be desired," he said
with a grin.
The owl hooted a few
times and then said, "I don't know, mine was really quite tasty and I look
forward to getting back to that roasted quail and quail eggs!"
As they moved to exit
the room, Gabrielle looked at him and asked, "Does the owl always eat
better than you do?"
"It seems that
way," James answered, scowling at the smirking bird.