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DISCLAIMER: This FANFIC uses
characters from X:WP and H:TLJ, which are, of course, the sole property of MCA
Universal and Renaissance Pictures. But the story, such as it is, is all mine.
Hey, if "Buffy the
Vampire Slayer" can have "A Buffy Christmas" Xena can have
"A Xena Thanksgiving." :)
This includes spoilers for
many, many episodes.
Oh, and it's rated the same
as the television show: PG14 for suggestive language.
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A XENA THANKSGIVING
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THE SCENE: A large room in
one of Athens' better taverns. There is a large table laden with all sorts of
food, including a variety of soups, salads, sides, and condiments. Any sort of
main dish is conspicuously absent. The room itself is filled with people
familiar to anyone who regularly watches X:WP, most of whom are standing around
waiting for dinner to begin.
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GABRIELLE [Looking
questioningly at the table]: Where's the turkey?
XENA [Keeping a wary eye on
several of the "guests"]: Joxer's over there, trying to crack those
walnuts...
GABRIELLE: I didn't order
any walnuts.
XENA: Oh, my
mistake...they're rocks.
GABRIELLE: Anyway, I wasn't
asking about Joxer. I meant the bird we're going to eat.
XENA: Don't worry, Salmoneus
said he'd bring it. He'll be here.
GABRIELLE: I just hope he
gets here soon...like before these people kill each other...or us!
XENA: Now, don't worry,
we've called a truce to celebrate this special day...besides, I've drugged the
wine to make it even more potent. None of them will be in any condition to pose
a threat.
GABRIELLE: Um, Xena...about
this "special day"...we're in Greece-
CALLISTO [Wandering up]:
We're in New Zealand, pissant.
GABRIELLE: We're supposed to be in Greece.
CALLISTO: Yeah, [holding up
a metal fork] and this is supposed
to be a plant. What's your point?
GABRIELLE: It just seems a
bit odd to be celebrating the holiday of a country which won't exist for over a
thousand years.
CALLISTO: Oh, no! Not more
of those damn time-related logical inconsistencies! I've had more than my fill
of those pesky things! By the way, have you guys seen my sister?
XENA: No one has. How's your
father?
CALLISTO: Who knows. Let me
know when the turkey's ready-
XENA and GABRIELLE [Rolling
their eyes]: We know...You can't wait to carve it.
Callisto giggles and wanders
off as Meleager the Mighty (no relation to Joxer) wanders, er, staggers up.
MELEAGER: Great party! hic Thanks for inviting me.
GABRIELLE: I thought you
gave up drinking?
XENA [Whispering]: Again...
MELEAGER: I did. hic But, this is such hic a special occasion, I couldn't hic resist.
GABRIELLE: I'm very
disappointed in you.
MELEAGER: Bite me, hic blondie. [Then, looking more
closely at the Bard] Please? Or maybe you and your hic friend could...
XENA [Roughly pushing him
away]: A pleasure as always, Meleager. Don't be a stranger.
Meleager staggers over to
where Ephiny and several Amazons are talking.
GABRIELLE [Scowling]: Nice
wine. Good idea, Xena.
XENA: Like my spiking the
wine would have made a difference in his case.
WHACK!
Xena and Gabrielle duck as Meleager goes flying over their heads and crashes
into the wall. He slowly gets up, brushes himself off, and staggers over to the
bar.
CAESAR [Walking up with his
customary sneer looking a bit lopsided]: Marvelous party, Xena. Not as lavish
as one of mine, of course, but nice, in a pedestrian sort of way.
XENA: Such flattery will
turn my head. [Caesar smiles seductively] No, on second thought, make that my
stomach.
GABRIELLE: I hear Brutus is
planning a party of his own for you.
CAESAR: Brutus is a good man
and a loyal friend, but, sometimes I worry that he'll never make the cut into
the big time and that history will ignore all that he's done.
XENA: Oh, I wouldn't worry
about him...he'll make the cut.
A sudden commotion causes
them to look over to where Pompey has apparently tried to impress Cleopatra by
hoisting his toga over his head. The Queen of Egypt, clearly unimpressed, has
pulled a dagger from her belt.
CAESAR [Walking off to
rescue his rival/friend]: Excuse me, I need to see to Pompey before he loses
his head to that Egyptian.
GABRIELLE: It's her brother
he needs to be careful of.
XENA: You're wasting your
time, Gabrielle, most of the readers won't get half of these historical
references.
GABRIELLE: Too obscure?
XENA: No, too dumb.
GABRIELLE: Which? The
references or the readers?
Xena just smiles that smile.
AUTOLYCUS [Making a
conspicuous jingling sound as he walks up]: Readers?
GABRIELLE: Forget it.
XENA: Hand over the goods,
Autolycus.
AUTOLYCUS: Right here? In
front of everyone? Oh, Xena, you animal! [He reaches for his belt and begins to
loosen it]
XENA [Cuffing him]: Not
that, you pervert! I'm talking about the goods you've stashed. Hand them over.
Now.
Autolycus sighs and then
pulls several pieces of silverware out of his shirt and hands them to her.
XENA: And the rest.
The King of Thieves removes
a wine decanter and a dozen glasses and gives them to her.
XENA: All of it, Autolycus.
He produces a full-length
mirror, framed in solid gold, and reluctantly hands it over.
XENA: And the towels and
little soaps.
AUTOLYCUS: Hey! Those are
provided to guests for their use. It just so happens I won't be using them here
is all.
XENA: You're not even
staying at this tavern!
AUTOLYCUS: Details,
details... [But, seeing Xena's determined expression, he pulls a large number
of towels and little soaps from his pants and gives them to her] Satisfied?
GABRIELLE: Anything else in
there?
AUTOLYCUS: I'd be more than
happy to show you that I've saved the best for last. Where's your room?
XENA [Shoving him hard and
sending him stumbling to the far side of the room]: Right next to mine, so
don't get any ideas.
NAJARA [Walking up and
smiling beatifically at Gabrielle, and then frowning at Xena]: I could say the
same thing to you, Xena.
XENA: What are you talking
about?
NAJARA: Didn't Gabrielle
tell you that I'm staying in the room on the other side of hers?
XENA [Looking at Gabrielle
suspiciously; the Bard suddenly finds the ceiling fascinating]: No, she didn't
mention that. Is there anything else you forgot to mention, Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE [Suddenly
defensive]: I don't think so...just like I'm sure there's nothing you've
forgotten to tell me, right, Xena?
XENA [Looking very guilty]:
Um, right.
Najara laughs and walks off
humming "Kumbaya" just as Alti glides over.
ALTI [Looking Gabrielle over
and shaking her head]: She looked better as a spider.
XENA: And you looked better
as a shish kebab.
GABRIELLE: Who are you?
ALTI: Just an old friend of
Xena's.
LAO MA [Walking up and
glaring at Alti and then smiling at Xena]: Hardly. You are too consumed with
the conquest of power and desire. Xena has grown far beyond those petty wants,
haven't you, Xena?
XENA [Looking even more
guilty]: Well, I've tried, Lao Ma, but, you know, I'm not perfect. I'm still
struggling with the whole desire thing.
GABRIELLE and ALTI: Tell me
about it. [They look suspiciously at each other]
LAO MA: You don't have to
remind me about that, Xena.
Gabrielle and Alti look even
more suspiciously at Lao Ma.
THALASSA [Walking up and
smiling at Gabrielle]: Gabrielle's no slouch in that department, either.
Lao Ma, Alti, and Xena all
turn to look at the Bard, whose face is bright red. She just shrugs and smiles
sheepishly.
HOPE [With the Destroyer
trailing after her like an overgrown puppy]: Oh, mother has plenty of desire;
it's love she's a bit short on. Isn't that right, Mommy?
GABRIELLE: But, I do love
you, Hope. Just because I abandoned you, poisoned you, pulled you into a lava pit,
and tricked your child into killing you doesn't mean I don't love you.
HOPE: Then what does it mean?
GABRIELLE: I'm having some
maternity related issues dealing with a daughter bent on destruction--Not to
mention the murder of everyone I love and the subjugation of the world--that's
all. I still love you, but that doesn't prevent me from doing whatever it takes
to stop you.
HOPE: Is anyone else buying
this load of crap? Why can't you just hate me?
GABRIELLE: I don't hate
anyone.
ARES [Flashing into
existence next to her]: Liar.
GABRIELLE: I don't hate you,
either.
ARES: Oh, I wasn't talking
about me. I was talking about them.
Kraftstar, Velasca, Dahak
(as a pillar of fire), and a very confused Ulysses appear.
ULYSSES: Why do you hate me,
Gabrielle? Oh, hi, Xena. How've you been?
Gabrielle and Xena look very
uncomfortable.
GABRIELLE: All right, I do
hate. Now, make them go away.
ARES: Told ya. [He snaps his
fingers and all four disappear]
APHRODITE [Walking up and
looking disgusted]: Hey, if I'd known this gig was gonna be a pity party I'd
have begged it off. What this place needs is some tunes and some L-O-V-E! [She
gestures and the dining hall is suddenly filled with some serious dance music
as a shower of brightly colored flowers falls from nowhere, bathing the entire
room with warm feelings] Much better, huh, bro?
ARES [Starting to groove]:
Surprisingly...yes.
DISCORD [Flashing into
existence next to him]: I liked it the way it was.
ARES [Grabbing her]: Shut up
and dance, you little spitfire!
As the two Gods dance off
into the crowd, Salmoneus pokes his head out from the kitchen.
SALMONEUS: Psst! Xena,
Gabrielle, I need to talk to you...now!
Xena and Gabrielle hurry
over.
GABRIELLE: It's about time!
Where have you been? And, more importantly, where's the turkey?
SALMONEUS: Joxer's over
there, having some sort of epileptic seizure.
GABRIELLE: He's dancing...I
think.
SALMONEUS: He's almost as
bad as you are.
GABRIELLE: Shut up. And I
wasn't talking about Joxer in the first place. I was talking about the bird you
promised to provide for this dinner.
SALMONEUS: Um, about that...
XENA and GABRIELLE: Yes...?
SALMONEUS [Pulling them into
the kitchen and showing them a large roast... thing...with four legs]: This is
the best I could do. See, my friend had some trouble-
XENA: I may not be the
sharpest spear on the rack, but even I know birds don't have four legs. What is
it?
GABRIELLE: A deer?
SALMONEUS: Not exactly.
XENA: A calf?
SALMONEUS: No.
GABRIELLE [Looking
horrified]: It isn't a pony, is it?
SALMONEUS: Of course not! Do
you have any idea how much good horse meat costs?
XENA: Well, what is it?
SALMONEUS: A Patagonian
cavy.
XENA: Which is...?
SALMONEUS: A very large
guinea pig.
GABRIELLE: So, it's some
kind of pig?
SALMONEUS: Kind of...
XENA [Arching one eyebrow
menacingly]: What kind?
SALMONEUS: Actually, it's a
rodent from across the great ocean.
XENA: A RAT??! You
actually expect me to serve a big rat to our guests?!
SALMONEUS: Just don't tell
them and no one will care.
GABRIELLE [Licking her
fingers]: You know, it's not bad. Tastes like pork.
SALMONEUS: There! You see,
it'll be fine.
XENA: Gabrielle isn't
exactly what I'd call a "discriminating gourmet."
GABRIELLE [Tearing at a
piece with her teeth]: What are you saying? That I'm a pig who'll eat anything
that's placed in front of me? Is that what you're saying?
XENA: Yep, that pretty much
sums it up.
GABRIELLE: Well, at least I
can cook my own food...unlike some people!
SALMONEUS: Ladies, please,
this meat is getting cold. We should serve it while it's hot, so the pain of
their burning mouths will distract them from realizing they're eating a big
rat.
XENA: I told you...I am not serving a rat to our guests.
GABRIELLE: Well, Miss Mighty
Hunter, why don't you run out and kill us something else to serve as the main
course, huh?
XENA: Because there's no
time. These folks are hungry and their mood is just going to get uglier the
longer they go without eating.
GABRIELLE: Not if they drink
enough.
EPHINY [Poking her head into
the kitchen]: I thought you should know... We're out of wine. Meleager went
through it like...oh, is that the turkey? It smells wonderful. I'll tell the
others that dinner is served.
XENA: Wait...
But Ephiny has already gone
back in and announced dinner.
GABRIELLE [Chewing on a
piece of cavy]: Rat it is.
She picks up the tray with
the roast rodent on it and is about to enter the dining hall when the back door
to the kitchen opens and Hercules and Iolaus walk in...carrying the biggest
roast boar the trio had ever seen.
XENA: I was wondering if you
two were going to show up or not...
IOLAUS: Are we late? We
brought this for us...in case all the food was gone.
HERCULES: Actually, we kind
of figured the whole turkey thing would backfire--No offense, Salmoneus--so we
brought this to be on the safe side.
IOLAUS [Looking at the roast
cavy]: What is that?
XENA: Don't ask. Gabrielle,
throw that thing in the trash and let's get this party started. Gentlemen...
Xena, Hercules, Iolaus, and
Salmoneus exit the kitchen and Gabrielle steals over to the cooler and places
the cavy inside before joining the others in the dining hall.
XENA [Standing at the head
of the table]: From what I understand, it's a tradition on this day to begin
the meal by stating what you're thankful for. So, in that spirit, I would just
like to say that I am grateful for the people in my life who give it meaning,
especially Gabrielle, without whom I would be lost. Here's to you, Gabrielle.
[Xena raises her glass and then drinks as Gabrielle does likewise]
GABRIELLE [Rising as Xena
sits down]: Thank you, Xena. Of course it goes without saying that I am
thankful that Xena is part of my life, so I shall instead enunciate the other
things I am thankful for...The song of the birds in the early morning, the
laughter of children at play, the gentle whisper of the wind as it whistles
through my hair, the sun reflecting off the clear surface of a mountain lake,
the first snow of the season, the last of the Spring rains, the love of my family
and friends, the shade of a sheltering oak on a Summer day, the smell of
freshly baked bread...
Half an hour later: Everyone
is practically comatose as Gabrielle's voice drones on and on and on and on and
on and on...
Until...
GABRIELLE: And, finally, I
am thankful for this opportunity to tell each and every one of you how much you
mean to me.
IOLAUS [Standing]: I just-
GABRIELLE [Never missing a
beat; Iolaus sits back down]: Hercules, your friendship through the years has
meant so much to me, it's difficult to put into words.
HERCULES: Please, don't
bother on my account.
GABRIELLE [Never missing a
beat]: But I'll do my best. You're like the big brother I never had growing up;
caring, thoughtful, playful, heroic-
HERCULES: I get the picture,
Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE [Never missing a
beat]: ...witty, handsome, generous-
XENA [Suddenly yanking
Gabrielle to her seat]: Thank you for that moving speech, Gabrielle. Iolaus, I
believe you're next.
GABRIELLE [Whispering to
Xena]: But I wasn't finished.
XENA [Whispering back]:
Maybe not, but, if I hadn't stopped you, you would have been.
IOLAUS: I'm sure I speak for
everyone...everyone who's still awake anyway ...when I say that I'm grateful
Gabrielle is done. [Everyone who's still awake laughs] So, in the interests of
eating before we all starve to death, I say that we leave it at that and dig
in. [Everyone perks up at that and applauds]
XENA [Nudging Gabrielle in
the side]: Cheer up. We can have everyone else say what they're thankful for
after we eat if it means that much to you.
GABRIELLE: And I can finish
my statement, too?
XENA: Not on your friggin'
life. Now, stop pouting and enjoy this fantastic meal.
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The screen fades to black as
everyone begins passing the various dishes around the table and the chattering
among the guests ceases as they eagerly begin eating.
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THE END